the last straw

truth

Sierra POV

*time skip to 9:45 am*

Avery was sleep in my bed when i woke up. She was hugging my bear, hippie, and looked so cute! I took a picture of her with my phone.

I decided to brush my teeth, and get started with my day. I didn't have anything to do today, other than my therapy appointment, but that was at 5.

Was I going to tell Dr. K about my eating problems? I mean, should i? It's not really hurting anyone. I don't know yet.

Thankfully, the yelling stopped. I texted Ty to see what was going on. Avery said that grandma Clara was sick, but she might've misheard what was going on.

Me: what's going? why were y'all yelling?

Ty: you'll find out tonight

Me: ugh🙄

Ty: 😙

He knows i hate when he uses that emoji. He uses it to taunt me.

The urge to cut was lingering in my mind. Avery was still in the room, so i didn't want to wake her up looking for the blade. Is it bad that im using my little sister as a reason to not cut? It sure feels like it.

I was going to go find mom to talk to her about it. I feel guilty doing so, though. I mean, her mom might be sick, and i was gonna tell her that i was going to hurt myself. I decided against talking to her.

I could tell George, but he was still recovering from the car accident, and probably won't know how to help.

Dad and Ty are ruled out because they were just fighting. I know Ty is calm now, but i dont know about dad. Ty would honestly just annoy me with questions.

I don't know if dad is still mad. If he was still mad, then i wouldn't want to talk to him. I don't need him to blow up on me. 

Neither the ice cube trick, nor the rubber band trick worked, for some reason. It actually made me want to cut more.

I googled how to stop the urge, and the first solution was to go on a walk. I grabbed my phone and headphones, and ask mom if i could go on a walk around the neighborhood. She said yes.

*time skip to 1pm*

I walked until 1pm. I felt so exhausted when i got back to the house. I should've drunken an ensure before i left. I was light headed, and was shaking.

I collapsed when i got to my room. I was still awake, but moving was, hard. Avery got off ny bed, and knelt beside me.

"Sisi? You okay? You need daddy?" She asked, sounding scared.

"No. Im okay." I say, forcing myself to sit up and smile, for her sake.

She didn't look convinced.

"Want water?" She asked. I nodded, and she ran off to the kitchen.

She came back with a water bottle and dad.

"Hey dad!" I say, trying to seem like everything was okay.

"Hey Si! You okay? Why are you on the floor?" He replies.

"Oh, I just got back from a walk. Pretty tired." I say, then take a sip of water.

"Uh huh." He replies, not looking convinced. I tried to not look at him. Thankfully, Avery broke the tension.

"Sisi, you stink! You smell outside." She said, pinching her nose. This got a laugh from both me and dad.

"Well, Si, after your shower, come downstairs. I need to talk to you." He says, before walking out. Avery follows.

I don't get up. I don't have rhe energy to do so. I should've told dad that I need food. Why didn't i? Well, for starters, im trying avoid food. But why? What's the end goal of starving? To be sick? To be skinny? To have control?