the last straw

Downs

Sierra POV

I woke up to Avery using me as a pillow. I smiled and slowly lifted her off of me, so I could go to my bed. George and dad were in the kitchen talking. 

Even though I was in therapy, I still felt a little scared to be surrounded by men, even if I knew they wouldn't hurt me. 

I slowly walked into the kitchen and gave them a hug and smile.  

"It is so nice to see you smile again, Ms. Sierra," George says, smiling. I smile again.

"It's nice to feel this happy again!" I say, as I start towards my room. 

When I get to my room, I get in my bed and just think. My therapist said that I should do check ins with myself. So I made a checklist to see how I was feeling. 

I ran through the checklist. Then, I got the question: where can I improve? I've been trying avoid this question. I know I need to improve my relationship with dad. George, and Ty, but I scared. Of what? I don't know. 

I didn't want to think about it. If I thought about it, it would make me anxious. If I got anxious, I was going to cut myself. I was three months clean. I can't go back now. 

*Time Skip To Dinner That Night*

George made steak, mashed potatoes, peas, and homemade apple sauce. It smelt amazing, and I'm sure it tasted amazing. But I wouldn't know. I still can't eat. 

While everyone sat around and filled their plates, I sat there with ensure and water. Why can't I eat like a normal person? 

I guess I was just staring off into space, because mom waved her hand in my face. 

"Earth to Sierra. You there?" She asked with a smile. I smiled and nodded. 

"So how are you feeling about going back to school next week?" Dad ask in between bites. My stomach tightens.

"Oh, I um- I completely forgot about that." I reply.

"Well I'm soooo ready to go." Avery chimes in, smiling. I chuckle. I love how happy she always is. 

Thankfully, the conversation switched to Avery starting kindergarten. School already? What of all the kids found out what happened to me? They would treat me different. What if they start bullying me? What if one of them touch me? 

My breathing became rapid. It was getting harder to breath. I tried to breath normally, but it wasn't working. I had to leave.

"May I be excused? Please?"

Dad looks at me concerned, and mom nodded. I ran to my room and shut the door. It was happening again. 

After a few minutes, I was calm. I wanted to cut. I told my therapist that my goal was 5 months clean, but I definitely didn't think it was possible right now. 

I was rummaging through my closet for a pencil sharpener, when my door swung open. It was mom. I realized I was crying at this point. 

"What are you looking for?" She asks. I bet she already knows the answer. 

"I um- well... THE BLADE!" I burst into hysterics. She nods, walks over to me, and leads me to my bed. I'm hyperventilating at this point. She waits patiently for me to catch my breath. 

"I was doing so good!" I sob into her shoulder. She gently rubs my back.

"What caused this? Was is the food? Or school being brought up?" She asks. 

I nod. Both of them are bothering me. It's been like 3 months since the incident, and 2 since I've been in therapy. Why can't I eat?

"What if I can never eat again?" I whisper. 

"Oh honey!" She says as wraps her arms around me. "We can help you with that. I promise you won't go through this alone! We are all here for you." I nod into her shoulder.

"I still want to do it." I whisper. She nods. 

She grabs my hand and leads me down the stairs to the kitchen. In the kitchen, she pulls out an ice cube and tells me to put it where I want to cut. I did. It felt better. After a few minutes, and lots of deep breaths, I was feeling better. I hugged her, then went to bed.