the last straw

pre-recovery

Sierra POV

I'm sick of everyone acting like there's something wrong with me. I'm sick of having to talk about food. I'm sick of having to be watched while I eat, and all the rules that only I have to follow. I'm sick of everything, and everyone.

Mom took my fitbit so I have no idea how to track my steps other than counting all them out in my head. I mean...I technically could. It would give me something new to hyperfixate on...

Ty told me that he was coming back this week, and I'm honestly scared. He knows I was in the hospital, and I know he's going to take my recovery very seriously.

I know I have a real problem, but ignoring it is a lot easier than trying to fix it. I know my family won't let that happen, but I can try.

He got home on a Friday night, meaning we all had dinner together, for the first time in forever.

George, dad, and I talked after school about my eating. Dad and I both apologized to each other for dinner the other day, and talked about solutions.

We agreed that I could get slightly smaller portions, but I cant exercise or be alone directly after I eat. They are scared I might begin purging.

I hope Avery never has to deal with this.

While we waited for Ty to get home, Avery and I laid in my bed watching gravity falls. I love the time we get to spend together, and hope she forms memories like this with the new baby.

"I love you, Avery." I say, randomly.

"I love you, too, Sisi!" She replies smiling and giggling.

"How is the medicine working for you?" I ask.

"It's amazing! I feel so much better!"

"That's good."

We watched gravity falls for a few more mintues before I doze off.

i was woken up by voices in my room.

it was everyone gathered in my room, talking.

"Sisi is awake!" avery says, excitedly.

"Si! long time, no see." ty says, smiling and dabbing me up.

we stayed and talked for about 30 minutes before Dad mentioned dinner.

i don't want dinner. i'm not hungry. but i can't say that. i can't protest food like i used to. i have to eat or get lectured and argue.

everyone suggested that we order pizza to give George a break. i could go for pizza, but i don't know if i can bring myself to eating it.

Dad and George left, with Avery trailing behind them, to figure what pizza to order. Mom and Ty stayed back with me.

"Your energy completely changed when dad mentioned dinner... what's up?" Ty asks.

"Nothing." I say, shrugging.

"You think I didn't hear you were in the hospital? Seriously, Sierra, you need to take this serious. What's wrong?" He says, suddenly seriously.

"Nothing is wrong. I'm just not hungry."

"You weren't hungry back when you stopped eating before, either. You think we're just gonna sit around and watch you get sick again?"

Silence.

"You seriously don't see a problem, with any of this? With how far this has gone?"

"That's not what i said. I said there was nothing wrong."

"But clearly something is."

"There's nothing wrong. I'll just eat the pizza."

"But what about your mindset, Sierra? You're fixing the behavior without changing your mindset."

Silence.

"I already said I'll eat. I don't know what else you want from me."

"Okay. That's enough." Mom said before Ty could say anything else.

Dinner was hard. I couldn't bring myself to get any pepperoni pizza, so I had one slice on cheese pizza.

I ended up eating more than Avery. She had a few bites of a slice of cheese.

"Ms. Avery, is something wrong with the pizza? Would you rather me make you something else?" George asked.

"No, I'm good. Just not hungry."

Mom and dad exchanged looks.

"Come on, Avery. You need to eat." Ty says.

"But Tyty-"

"No excuses, babe."

"But y'all don't do that to Sierra." Avery says in a whining voice.

"Uhh, yes they do, like all the time."

"We aren't having this conversation. Avery eat your pizza." Mom says, ending the while conversation.

Everyone else just continued eating and bantering, even Avery.

I was zoning in and out of the conversation. I feel dizzy.

"Mom, I swear I'll eat when I get back, but can I be excued? I feel sick."

George and mom exchange looks.

"If one of us goes with you. Is that okay?"

"Yes."

Ty came with me.

"So what's up?" He ask, when we get to my room.

"I feel so sick right now." I say laying down.

"I'm sorry for being aggressive early today." He says, after a couple seconds of silence.

"it's okay. I'm sorry too." I say.

"So is it the food that's making you sick?"

"I have no idea."

"They think this thing was inherited. That since Leslie's mom had an eating disorder, I got it from her." I say, not knowing how to fill the silence.

"Well...you know that even if it was, you can't say that you were always going to devlop it, and make that an excuse to not recover."

"Yeah, yeah. I know."

Silence.

"None of this was what I wanted. I just wanted to be in control of something. So I chose food. I couldn't control that I couldn't stay calm, or how much I wanted to die. But I could control my food. So I did. No food for random amounts of time. The longest being 4 days. It was horrible. Food was all I thought about. And now that's where I a, again. Except now, all the voices telling me not to eat are fighting the ones of the people in my life. Y'all. It's not easy hearing all these conflicting voices, but I cant tell yall that. Because then I'm resisting recovery. Nobody understands."

I didn't realize I was crying until I was done.

Ty just hugged me. I guess he didn't know what to say.

"Why don't you tell mom that?"

"She wouldn't understand."

He just nods.

"You know i can't force you back downstairs, especially after what you said, but im going back down. If you need me, just text, and I'll be there."

I smile, nod, and lay back down. A few seconds after he left, I was dosing off.

Next thing I knew, i was sleep.

There is a knock on the door.

"Come in." I say, snapping awake.

"Hey Sierra, Ty said you had something to tell me."

It was mom.