the last straw

mattering

what Ty said stuck with me. do i really matter?

i'm in the living room with George, watching tv.

"Ms. Sierra, I just want to let you know that we all
love and care about you. I am not just saying this. You really do have my heart, and I care deeply for you. It pains me to know that you're hurting yourself, and there is nothing we can do to stop it."

"I'm sorry, George. I really am. I want to get better for y'all, I really do. I love you."

"I love you, too." he says, hugging me.

i wish i didn't cut myself so much. my arm is throbbing, and it hurts to move it too much.

i go up to my room around 11pm.

Kirby wants to be with Avery for tonight. he seems to be making her happy, and I love that for her and don't want to interrupt that.

the thought of taking pills is on my mind. i can't shake this feeling.

i decide to call Ty since he went back to uni. at least i don't have to deal with his immediate reaction.

he answered on the second ring.

"hey, si! is everything alright? it's pretty late."

"yea, i just wanted to talk before i did something."

"what's going on?"

"umm... the thought of taking pills is on my mind again. i don't want to do it but im scared. i don't wanna tell mom or dad. they might send me to another hospital. i don't wanna get raped again."

i realized that my mind was spiraling and i'm not thinking straight.

"si, please don't take pills. im begging."

"i won't."

"we can just talk to that out of your mind."

"yes, let's do that."

he stayed up with me for 2 hours to get my mind off of pills. nothing else in the world mattered but my brother. i love him so much.

TIME SKIP TO THE MORNING

i was woken up by a knock on the door. it was George.

"Ms. Sierra, your father request your presence in the dining area."

oh great. ty most likely told dad i was gonna take pills.

"sierra! can we talk?" dad ask when i get the kitchen.

"yes."

"so, i was thinking about you cutting yourself last night, and this is much more serious than i acted like. you're still hurting yourself, and i don't know what to do anymore. hospitals are out of the question, and kirby gravitates to avery. dance starts in a few days. do you think this will help?"

"umm...i hope so. i'm scared of it becoming a way for my to try to exercise instead of letting it help me. i don't know how to stop that."

"i understand. how about this - if it becomes that, you become transparent with us, and let us know. we really want what's best for you."

i nod.

"i'm really serious. angie was terrified that you tried to kill yourself that night. she was panicking that night at the thought of you killing yourself. i'm not saying this to guilt trip you. i'm saying this because we are really worried about you. we can't lose you. i can't lose, sierra. i can't."

i'm starting to understand how much i matter to my family. it's scary. why do they care so much about me? i'll never understand. do i really mean something to people? why?