No Tears | NR

Chapter 51 - Part 4: 5 Years

May 14, 2018

Hamburg, Germany

I remember Hamburg as a very busy city. Like most other big cities, people would be running around on their way to or back from work. The streets would be filled with shoppers who were strolling from one store to the next and tourists with cameras around their necks. Sometimes, street performers would attract small crowds, trying to make some money.  Granted, I haven't been here in a few years, but I can't imagine that the city has changed much in that time.

Now, however, I can't find any of the city's usual liveliness. Only a few people are out on the streets. None of them seem to have time to window shop or just stop and enjoy themselves a little.

The snap has affected these people and this city just like the rest of the world. They are shocked, trying to understand what has happened and just how far the consequences of the snap reach. Many are mourning and some are still getting new information about friends and relatives that are gone.

I was barely able to recognize Hamburg as I was walking along the city's old streets, trying not to roll the only ankle I have left on the cobblestone. This is the only place other than Leningrad that I ever really thought of as my home.

The very first time that I have been here, I had been lost and alone which became a theme throughout the next few decades of my life. Auschwitz had been freed and I had escaped from Hydra. Another inmate whom I had met a few times in Poland had family here. He died shortly before the Red Army arrived. Following a promise that I had made to him, I went to find his family and let them know of his fate. They had managed to stay hidden until the end of the war. Not knowing what else to do, I helped them get back on track with their lives, more or less. In exchange, they let me stay with them for as long as I needed.

Of course, Hydra was looking for me and came close to finding me several times, but I always managed to keep them away. Then, one day, I returned back home to find that my host family had been ambushed and slaughtered. Agents had stayed behind, waiting for me to get back so they could take me in. Somehow, I managed to escape, although I lost a toe in the process which doesn't seem to matter anymore since the whole foot is gone now. After that, I promised myself, never to settle down again and think of any place as my "home" again. I didn't want to get attached.

But that's enough about my past. I didn't mean to ramble this much. Steve had suggested this to me. I had finally gotten a moment to talk to him after we had arrived back at the compound. We had an interesting conversation about our pasts. Steve recounted a few run-ins with Hydra that he had during the war. It is weirdly freeing and relieving to have someone I can talk to who is from the same time that I am from. Steve also told me what it was like to wake up in a completely different world than the one that he was from. Thankfully, that transition was easier for me. I don't think that I would have dealt well with being thrown into a different time which is one of the reasons why I have so much respect for him.

At the same time, I find that it is surprisingly easy to talk to Steve. Maybe it's the fact that he really listens that makes it so easy, but I even started to open up to him a little. He seemed surprised that I talked to him as freely as I did because I probably seemed very closed-off and private beforehand. I honestly surprised myself too.

Steve was the one who suggested to me that I could try keeping a diary. I wasn't too fond of that idea at first, but after spending some more thought on it, I decided to give it a try and see if it helps. So here we are. This is my first attempt at writing an entry. I am not sure what to write, so I will just start with whatever comes to my mind.

Ever since Wakanda, everything just feels ... different. I don't know what it is, but people seem different to me, places look different. Even the sky feels different to me. I think that after everything that has happened, I just needed to slow down and take a breather for once. That's why I left the compound. I had to.

I didn't tell anyone where I was going, but I'm sure that Natasha knows exactly where I am right now. There's no one she can't find (as long as they are on Earth, that is). I have almost no doubt that she is keeping tabs on me and I don't mind. Honestly, I actually feel a little flattered by it. I just hope that she is going to keep her distance. I miss her dearly, even after only having been gone for less than a day. I know that I won't stop missing her until I am back at her side, but I also need this time away from everyone. There are a few things that I need to figure out, including those annoying little feelings that I get around Natasha.

As bad as it may sound, the snap was timed perfectly. During the last year (or was it more than that? I'm not sure), I have kept my eyes out for Hydra and anyone else who had been looking for me before Thanos. All of them have gone quiet. They seem to be dealing with a whole bunch of other problems and have given up their search for me. I'm not sure if this is just a temporary thing or not, but I want to make good use of the time that I have.

One of the main things that I want to look into is how to reverse my impermanent-death problem. I know that it's possible. That Hydra scum (I don't even want to write his name) found a way which means that it's possible. I just need to figure out how he did it. Or I need to find another way. There's got to be one, right?

On a completely different note, Steve told me that I am "officially" an Avenger, although I'm not sure how official anything is right now. I am pretty sure that Natasha asked him to make it official. I don't really know how I feel about that yet.

AN:

A different style, but I really wanted to try this. Hope you guys like it.

Also, this is a very short chapter. I am sorry about that. The next chapters might be this short too, but I'm not sure about that yet.

Have a good week everyone.