No Tears | NR

Chapter 57

TW: Suicidal thoughts

Avengers Compound, USA

Yara was sitting at the table in the compound's dining area with a now-cold cup of coffee in front of her and her head in her hands. She had a bad headache which was probably caused by too much physical exertion and an extreme lack of sleep, not that she was going to do anything about that. She had barely had enough energy to drag herself here and she couldn't get herself to move. Her coffee was long forgotten as her mind was racing despite - or perhaps because of? - her throbbing head.

That temporary peace with herself that she had managed to find about a year ago had been incredibly fragile and was shattered - no; obliterated - by the Snap. Ever since then, she had returned to her usual habits which consisted of nightmares that resulted in little to no sleep for her, constantly being restless and trying to keep herself as busy as possible, and overworking her body until she was on the verge of passing out. Yara had gotten back into the life that she had so desperately tried to leave behind and it had brought back some of her darkest memories more vividly than they had been in a while. 

"Hello, stranger. I didn't know you're back", a male voice spoke up from behind her.

Yara didn't move and kept her head in her hands. She just grunted in response, hoping that Steve would get the hint and leave her alone. But of course, that didn't stop him from inquiring how she was doing, especially since she obviously didn't look too well at the moment.

"Headache", was her short response to his question which Yara found slightly irritating. She hoped that Steve would leave her alone after telling him what he wanted to know, but her wishes weren't answered. Instead, she heard a chair scrape over the floor next to her, indicating that Steve was taking a seat next to her.

Silence followed in which Yara ignored the man's presence while Steve was waiting for her to say more. At some point, he must have understood that Yara wouldn't say anything. So, he spoke up instead.

"It's hard. For everyone. I can sense it every time that I walk down another empty street. I don't think that I've seen a single person who didn't look like they had just cried. Even after almost a year has passed, people are still mourning."

Yara had moved her head slightly to get a glimpse at the captain while he was talking. She was waiting for a conclusion to follow his short speech which she didn't find very impressive. She already knew all of that. "Your point?", she didn't bother to hide her irritation with him.

"Everybody has lost people. They are in pain. So are we. It's hard for everyone. And I know that Natasha is doing her best to find a way to get everyone back. I know that me and the others are doing the same. Or at least some of us. I'm not ready to give up hope yet. All I'm trying to say is that, at the same time, life still has to go on. I don't know how. I wish I did. But somehow we have to go on. Don't forget that."

Yara scoffed louder than intended. She loathed that annoying enthusiasm and the fact that he was usually right at the same time. And yet, she had also missed it for reasons that were beyond her understanding. But this time, he had missed the mark.

"But that's not the problem. I wish it was, but I don't have anyone to mourn who got dusted. Sure, there are a few people I liked whom I'd like to see again and won't be able to now. And I miss them very much. But I didn't lose any family - nobody I love. And it's not fair to all the people out there; the parents who lost children, the children who lost their parents, and the people who lost their partners."

Steve looked like he wanted to interrupt her, but Yara just talked over him.

"And please don't tell me it's not my fault. I know that I couldn't have changed that, but I should have saved them. I didn't deserve to survive this. Perhaps, survival is my punishment just as it has been all these past decades. So I can see all the devastation and sorrow that I caused or could have prevented."

When she finally stopped talking, Steve took his chance to speak up. "First of all, we all failed. It wasn't just you. There is always more we could have done. But that is in the past. There's nothing we can change about it now. Even if we could, who is to say that it would have ended any differently? And it doesn't matter who you lost. That doesn't make this any less hard."

Yara knew he was right. And still, she couldn't help it. She felt guilty about surviving something that so many others didn't. She felt guilty about not having prevented it. And she felt guilty about not having lost any family, unlike so many others. She felt guilty about a million other things half of which she was probably not even aware of.

Despite that, she was still irritated but grateful for Steve's attempt to help her. "Thanks Cap", she muttered weakly and rested her head back on her hands.

Yara could feel the tall Avenger's eyes on her and did her best to ignore him. When he wouldn't stop, she spoke up with a groan. "You know it's not nice to stare."

"You should really get some rest", Steve ignored her and voiced his worry.

Yara just huffed and didn't move.

After a while, she heard a chair scrape on the floor which was followed by the sound of steps that were moving away from her. All of a sudden, the spot next to her where the captain had sat moments earlier felt very empty. He had left her alone. Wasn't that what she had wanted? To be left alone? Then why did she suddenly miss his presence? Yara knew the answer to those questions, but she wasn't ready to admit it to herself - to admit a feeling that had accompanied her for decades. Yara felt lonely.

It had been a feeling that had gnawed at her for many years and had resulted in a few miserable decades. Then, a few years ago, her first encounter with the famous Black Widow had finally lifted the pressure of this always-present feeling. But ever since she had left the compound about a year ago, it had returned and those two years with Natasha felt like a long-gone time.

"Hey. You look like shit", a soft voice finally caught Yara's attention. The brunette looked up to see Natasha seated on the same chair that Steve had used before. Her voice had been laced with sarcasm, but her eyes revealed that she was genuinely worried.

"Hm", Yara hummed. "I could say the same about you." Indeed, Natasha looked almost as bad as the brunette, although she was much better at hiding her exhaustion.

"Did Steve talk to you?", the blondish Avenger asked.

Yara gave Natasha a look that answered the question for her.

They fell into a welcome silence as Yara's head returned to her hands and Natasha got up to grab herself some food.

AN:

I know this is a short chapter, but I don't want to cut off the things that I am planning on putting into the next chapter.

This update took a while and I am sorry about that. Classes have resumed and I am very busy with those right now. I have less time to work on new chapters this semester than I did last semester. Therefore, I will probably continue posting new updates very irregularly. I am sorry about that but there is not much that I can do about that at the moment.

Hope you still enjoyed this chapter and I am hoping the get the next chapter done as quickly as possible.