No Tears | NR

Chapter 52

May 27, 2018

Hamburg, Germany

I really don't know how to start these. I also don't know why I am writing these in English. Wouldn't it make more sense for me to be writing these in Russian? Or even German? It probably doesn't matter.

These past days have been very quiet and slow. I have been looking into an idea that I had, but otherwise, I haven't done much. I want to go to Saint Petersburg soon to visit my mother. Outside of that, I haven't really planned anything.

Steve sent me an email a few days ago. Tony Stark aka Ironman aka famous billionaire and Nebula, a blue alien, have apparently returned back to Earth. It seems that Carol Danvers, the glowing woman, has managed to find them and rescue them. Natasha has sent me a few messages too, but I have done my best to ignore them. It's not that I don't want to reply or talk to her. I miss her terribly, but I need distance. And time. Particularly time to myself. I have spent many months just with her which I would never regret. But I just need some distance to figure things out for myself. One thing that I can already say with certainty though is that I hate being away from her.

Hamburg has been a bleak city to stay in so far. It has constantly been raining throughout those past few days with very few breaks. The dark, cloudy days almost make it seem like the weather is mourning too, although these rainy days aren't particularly uncommon here.

The weather was no different in Berlin when I went to visit my sister there a few days ago. Her grave looked untouched. Weeds had grown in the months that I hadn't been there. I pulled them and left a few flowers. She always had much more interest in plants and flowers than I ever did. When I visited her a long time ago, she had lived in a house with a spacious backyard which she mostly used as a garden to grow various sorts of fruits, vegetables, and flowers. I was never really able to understand why she liked to take care of all those plants. To me, these kinds of things always seemed like a chore. But that is just one of many things that made her the wonderful person that she was.

I am not sure what I was hoping for when I went to see her. I needed to talk to her. Still do. I miss her so much. I don't think I ever told her in person which is just another one of my many regrets. I miss her more every single day if that's even possible. There are so many things that she has missed and that I need her advice on. I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. I am a mess. But I'm sure she knows that.

She also always thought of my immortality as a good thing. She said that it chose me, that it was a chance for me to live. I don't understand why it had to choose me. There are so many people in the world - why me? At the same time, I wouldn't wish this for anyone else.

It's ironic; I'm immortal just like gods and they're seen as these great beings. And yet I don't feel great. On the contrary, I feel the opposite. I feel like a demon, a monster. You know if you really think about it, despite their greatness, gods are really just immortal monsters. I mean just look at everything they did, how many people they tortured, hurt, and killed. And not just people. Regardless of whether they're Norse, Greek, or Roman they all killed so much. Maybe I am a god, just like them. Maybe, being a god is just another word for being an immortal monster.

My sister never shared that opinion, but I also don't think that she really understood what this is like.

AN:

Another really short chapter, but I will try to post this one and the next one on the same day.