No Tears | NR

Chapter 72

I made a decision and now my head feels a little clearer. I know what I need to do. Finn, Steve, and anyone else who reads this, if I am gone, my plan worked, and I am sorry. Maybe you'll understand when you read the rest. And to you, моя любовь, I will see you soon.

I always knew there were worse things than death. We both did. This is one of them. I can't help but feel envious of the billions of people who are gone. Too many lives had been lost five years ago, but those who died aren't the ones who have to deal with it. At least they are dead. Death is the easy part. The ones who stay behind, they are the ones who really suffer. And honestly, death has never looked more appealing to me than it did at that moment when I felt Natasha's hand slip out of mine and when I saw her lying on that ground, dead, while I was still alive. Surviving is not always the prize. I would know. I always survive. It's my privilege and my curse. Without it, I never would have met her. But with it, I will never have a chance at seeing her again.

I cannot help but wonder how she would have reacted if I were the one who was dead. I have no doubt that she would've handled herself better. She would do her best to finish the mission and bring everyone back. Maybe afterward, she might allow herself some time to mourn. She was extraordinary like that.

But that is not how things came to be.

The world is unfair. It gives and it takes however it pleases. It has taken too much from me. For a long time, I thought I deserved it. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. I used to think I was a monster. But I have changed my mind since. I figured, love is the ultimate proof that someone is human, because monsters couldn't love, could they? Not really. But perhaps I'm not a monster. I'm just human, and I am left to wonder if losing people is my curse.

Not only that, but I somehow always lose them right after I finally get better, after I finally find happiness. It seems to me that the highest highs are always followed by the lowest lows.

And although I miss her, all I can think about is that Natasha is in a better place now. And once again, I can't help myself but feel a little envious. Still, if it weren't for that mission, I'm sure, both of us would have loved to get to live a little longer surrounded by friends and making new memories.

Speaking of memories, Natasha once told me about something Tony had asked her a long time ago. It had been her birthday that day, and we had somehow begun talking about other birthdays we had been on. She told me about one time a few years before we met when Tony had been dying. She said he wanted to know from her what she would do if she knew this was her last birthday. She said, she would spend it however she wants with whoever she wants. And although she didn't know it yet back then, that was her last birthday. It breaks my heart to know that she spent that birthday not doing anything special. It also makes me wonder what she would have done if she had known. It hurts me to know, that I will never find out.

Despite the pain I am in, I don't blame her for what happened. As a child and even as an adult, pretty much everything was out of her control. There was but one thing that she could control, and that was death. She had always been surrounded by it. On that cliff, again, death was the one thing she could control, so she did. I, on the other hand, am a total opposite. I have no control whatsoever over death, especially my own. So no, I don't blame her for what happened, but that doesn't make it any easier. I just hope that she finally found peace. That is all that matters.