A Mark That Lasts Forever

Denial | 否定 section 1

The Monday morning train is quiet. Everyone looks less than thrilled to be going back to the daily grind. Normally I would be too, but today I'm just glad to be able to return to normal life. I can't shake the unpleasant aftertaste of everything that happened yesterday. If a boring lecture can block the memories for even a moment, I'll take it.

Sitting next to Koki in class, I find myself tuning out the professor's monotone voice and glancing around the room at the other students. I wonder what they'd think if they knew I kissed a guy yesterday. What would Koki think? Would he be disgusted?

I wonder the same thing about Manami and Yasuhiro when I see them at work. I try to picture how they'd react if they knew I kissed "Mr. Adachi" yesterday. Yasuhiro would probably become indifferent to me—not that we were all that close to begin with. I get the feeling Manami wouldn't care that much, but at the same time, I can see her laughing at me, too.

Part way through my shift, I'm called to a table of women who are complaining about their disobedient children. I'm still taking their order when one of them smiles up at me and says, "What a handsome young man."

I tense up at the sudden compliment, unsure of how to react.

"I was thinking the same thing," another woman agrees. "I bet your mother is proud to have such a good-looking son."

I thank them awkwardly before escaping to the computer to punch in their orders. Would they have flattered me like that if they knew I kissed a guy?

Through the mixture of confusion, frustration, and guilt, I find myself going back to the same question I've already sounded out in my head at least a hundred other times today.

Why did I kiss him?

Okay, I admit he looked good yesterday, but is that reason enough to kiss someone? Yuki looks good every day. Eriko, too! I controlled myself with them just fine. There had to have been something possessing me. There's absolutely no other way I'd kiss someone out of the blue like that. I'm a man of consent!

No, wait! Consent isn't the issue here!

The issue is why I lost control. He could have been trying to seduce me without me knowing it. Maybe he managed to hypnotize me during his palm reading or other spiritual mumbo jumbo. Would he really do something like that, though? If it was on purpose, he probably wouldn't have had that confused look on his face.

What should I do if he comes to my door again tonight? Or if he messages me? I hastily snatch my phone out of my pocket to check for notifications. Nothing. I let out a sigh of what I think is relief.

I should try to avoid him as much as I can. If I don't act distant, he might try to play tricks on my mind again. I need to be careful. It'll all be over if I let anything like yesterday happen again.

Reaching the house, I cautiously enter the front door to find Kenji in the middle of dinner. Suddenly, I remember our phone call yesterday.

"Kenji, I'm so sorry about yesterday," I apologize after putting my shoes away.

"It's alright," he replies impassively.

"Did Haruka cause any trouble?"

"No trouble. She tried to go into your room, but it was locked."

"I thought she might."

I recall one time in my second year of high school when my mom invited her over while I was out with friends. Haruka 'cleaned' my entire room, which included throwing away a necklace my ex-girlfriend gave me and tearing up an adult magazine I naively thought was well hidden.