A Mark That Lasts Forever

Sincerity｜誠 section 1 [NSFW]

CONTENT WARNING: This section contains sexual content that may not be suitable for some readers.

I'm not sure how I feel about Tuesday. I want to look forward to letting off some steam with dance, but I also dread the thought of being in the same room with Koki. Either way, I try to go to Ebisu with a positive, but not hopeful mindset.

I catch myself eyeing the studio door in anticipation of Koki. As the few remaining minutes before class escape one by one, he never appears. Even after Ryusei closes the door and starts his usual stretch routine, it remains shut, never opening until the lesson is over and everyone is going home.

"Hey, Makoto," Ryusei says as he approaches me. "Are you going to stay and use the studio today?"

I take one last look at the door before shaking my head.

On my way home, I wonder when Koki and I can practice our routine again and worry if we'll be able to give our best performance if he doesn't come around soon.

Then I'm hit with a horrifying thought.

What if he doesn't come around? What if he suddenly tells me he's backing out of the competition because of me? What would I do then?

Just imagining it makes me feel sick.

He wouldn't do that. He might be homophobic, but he's still responsible. He wouldn't just back out of something huge like this. There's no way. At least I know that much about him.

I'll give him a little more time. He'll have to face me again at some point. If he doesn't say anything by next Tuesday, I'll try confronting him again. I'd like to believe he wouldn't leave this competition up in the air for that long... right?

For the rest of the school week, I'm still eating lunch alone and sitting separately from Koki, Takeru, and Reiya in class. Even Takeru and Reiya have begun avoiding eye contact with me. My LIME message to Koki remains unread and I begin to wonder if he blocked me. I try to distract myself from the awful feeling and look less awkward by studying for final exams at every lunch break and in between classes.

I try not to think about my friends while I'm out to lunch with Shun on Saturday, but my default mood is still dark and gloomy. Shun never complains, though. If anything, he's been going out of his way to cheer me up by making my favorite foods, playing my favorite music, and suggesting movies he knows I'd like. I appreciate every gesture, reminding myself that I have a good boyfriend, despite knowing deep down that Koki turned on me for that same reason.

I spend all of Sunday studying for finals and by Monday, I've stopped wishing things between me and my friends could go back to normal. Instead, I'm wondering how I can start over entirely. Maybe I can approach people in my new classes next semester. It'd have to be one of my electives since it probably won't be long before everyone in Commerce hears about me. I don't think anyone would accept me after finding out I have a boyfriend.

On Tuesday, I'm met with disappointment every time I check my phone only to find it just as quiet as it was the last time. I realize Koki is not going to say anything unless I initiate the conversation. Even then, he'll likely ignore me, but I can't just sit around and wait with the competition coming up in a month. On the train to Ebisu, I finally decide to try again.

Makoto
What r u thinking?
At least tell me what u want to do about
the competition

I hit send, desperately hoping I'll get a reply this time.