A Mark That Lasts Forever

Sincerity｜誠 section 4

CONTENT WARNING: This section contains mentions of self-harm and may be upsetting for some readers.

Coming to, I expect to see Shun's cluttered desk and polaroid wall. I get a dull feeling when I instead find frosted rooftops outside my window and my guitar on its stand next to a shelf filled with old books, manga, binders, and other things I haven't touched since I moved to Tokyo. I sit up and stare at the familiar, personal space I had previously abandoned.

I tune in to the sound of high voices talking over clattering dishes downstairs. I can already smell what I'm pretty sure is Mom's breakfast omelet so I know I'll get called down there any minute. Wondering who else is up, I lift the bed covers off me, but I'm quickly distracted by my vibrating phone. The words "Good morning" hover at the top of my notifications under Shun's name.

My heart sinks.

Shun
Its almost the new year! Lets count down together! 😆

You didnt fall asleep did you? 😳

[January 1st]

Happy new year

Good night

Good morning

I feel terrible. Maybe I should have at least given him an excuse not to call instead of just ignoring him. Actually, I guess that wouldn't have been much better.

Makoto
Sorry! I fell asleep before the countdown 😅
Guess i was pretty exhausted yesterday

Shun
I wanted to count down with you 😢
But it's ok
I hope you got some good rest
Is there a time we can call today? 😊

I still feel off about calling Shun. I know he must be lonely right now—everyone except for him and Magnus left the house to spend New Year's with their families. I should be doing my best to help him feel less alone, but I just can't.

Makoto
Im not sure
Im probably going to be out with my family all day

I know I'm being cold, but it's probably better I act this way.

I've been able to walk a vague path up until this point, but now I'm standing at a crossroads. I can either stop hiding Shun from the world and expect more people to cut ties with me, or free both him and myself from all of this by breaking up with him. I have to make a choice, and the longer I put it off, the harder it'll be.

As much as it hurts to admit, I know that by distancing myself from him like this, I'm already walking down the latter path.

I don't want to let go of him. I wish I could call him. I wish I could look forward to going home to him, or to thinking about our next date or what kind of souvenir to bring back for him. But I can't. Not while I know that doing so is only going to continue to torture him. If only I wasn't a coward.

I'm startled by the sound of a knock on my door followed by Mom's voice.

"Makoto, are you up?"

"Yeah," I answer, setting my phone aside.

The door creaks open and Mom peeks in with an expression that tells me she's in a good mood.

"Breakfast is on the table," she sings.

"Okay, thanks."

"We're going to visit the shrine today, too, so hurry and get ready," she urges.

"Okay," I answer, trying not to appear as gloomy as I feel.

Mom shuts the door and I wander over to my closet, glancing down at Shun's bracelet on the dresser. I don't have the heart to put it on today.