A Mark That Lasts Forever

Denial | 否定 section 3 [NSFW]

CONTENT WARNING: This section contains sexual content that may not be suitable for some readers. 

I wonder when he started to develop feelings for me. Maybe it was the kiss. Or could it have been before that? I'm such an idiot for pushing him too far. I didn't want him to like me. I know it's better for the both of us if he continues to avoid me, so why is it that I have this unbearably heavy feeling in my chest when I picture him doing just that? This isn't how I imagined I'd feel if I ever found out he has feelings for me. I thought I'd be uncomfortable. I thought I'd want to push him away. Strangely, I don't feel either of those things.

I wonder if he thinks about me a lot. Does he wish I could be his boyfriend? Or did he wish for it? He made it pretty clear he's given up now. Did I have to make him lose hope? What if I tried to restore it so we can continue to hang out?

"Being with you is painful for me."

What am I thinking? I've already hurt him enough. I need to stop. I never meant to lead him on, but I guess I did. I know I should leave him alone from now on, but I can't stand the way my chest tightens at the thought.

I've been in bed several hours past the time my alarm rang, just staring up at the ceiling and occasionally picking up my phone to check chats with friends back home. All of them are asking me what I've been up to, but I can't tell any of them what's bothering me the most. I hate this.

I haven't forgotten Shinjiro's advice to confront this problem, but I've lost the confidence to do it. I'm not ready to talk to Shun yet. Maybe I just shouldn't talk to him at all. Now that he's decided to move on, he probably doesn't want to hear anything I have to say anymore anyway. He probably just thinks of me as a nuisance now.

My heart skips a beat at the sound of the door across the hallway. Like a dog hearing his bowl fill with food, I automatically spring up in response with the same determination I thought was gone for good. Maybe I can be a nuisance just a little longer.

Swinging my door open, I find Shun in pajamas halfway down the hallway. He looks over his shoulder at me with a startled expression.

"Hey!" I call out on impulse. "Can we talk?"

He slowly turns to face me. "What do you want to talk about now?"

"About..." The words hesitate on my tongue. "Me and you."

He stares at me expressionlessly for a moment. I anticipate his "no" before he finally nods.

Inside his room, he sits at the edge of his bed and crosses his arms, looking up at me with an impatient expression. I stand near the door to give him the distance his body language is asking for.

"Did you just wake up?" I ask.

He nods. "I didn't sleep well last night."

"I see," is all I can say as I realize his sleep deprivation is probably partially, if not fully, my fault.

"So?" he prompts.

"Yeah," I nod. "Um..." I have to look away from him because his straight face makes me nervous. "It's about what you said last night."

I carefully look back up at him. He nods for me to go on.

"I wanted to tell you," I continue. "That I understand your feelings now and, uh, I really appreciate how you feel about me and..." Ugh, what am I rambling on about? This isn't what I came here to say.

I look back up at his once again unchanged face, knowing I need to tell him the truth this time. Determined, I stare directly into his eyes.

"What I want to say is, honestly I'm confused and need time to think about my own feelings. It might take a while, but I'll get my head straight eventually."