His Tragic Story

His Tragic Story Part 33

Max no longer stops by. I can now care for myself independently. There are times when I feel as though I am incapable of managing alone. Nevertheless, I keep pushing myself to keep trying. Since there's no one else who can do it for me, especially since I've been feeling more sad recently, Mom's funeral was held only a few days ago.

Of course I showed up, but it only worsened my mood. I hate thinking about how she passed away and the fact that I wasn't there for her. But most of all, I hate that she didn't tell me she was dying. If she did, I could've tried to help or even mentally prepare myself for her death. But I didn't get to have any of those opportunities, so it feels so much worse. I know she meant well by not telling me, but I still wish she had. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt as much.

In the meantime, I've been staying home doing what I always do. Watch TV, eat, then sleep. Y'know, the repeated cycle. I've been having sudden bursts of energy to go out. But I'm not sure what I want to do. I've been looking up some places to go to, but it seems pointless to go alone. I have no friends, no family. I have nothing, so what's the point? It all just seems so meaningless. But then again, I do want to go out and do something.

So I said fuck it. I decided to go out. I wanted to start off small so I could slowly build myself up. I started by treating myself to small restaurants. From there, I started feeling more comfortable going places on my own. Going out with other people just didn't seem necessary anymore. It's nice to spend time on my own. I feel like I can actually go out and do things.

This week, I've been feeling a lot better as a result of treating myself. However, a part of me continues to feel as though something is still missing.

My mom's passing has left me slowly recovering. But this constant guilt I feel whenever I think of her still remains. The fact that I'm here and she's not only makes me feel guilty. Plus, it's been really difficult not having her here. Losing her here is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And I don't even have anyone to help me get through these feelings that I'm feeling. I can only rely on myself.

And that's not even it. The nightmares still continue when I sleep. These nightmares always taunt me. These nightmares increase by the day. I'm so tired of it. I just wish it would all stop. And the fucked up part is that I know they won't.

Today was like any normal day. I went to the store to pick up some things. I got back home and spent the rest of my day there. Though, I was supposed to return to work a couple of days ago. I've been avoiding going to work since I found out mom died. I don't think I'm ready to go back yet. So I'm staying home for the meantime.

It was already night at this time. I'm scared to go to bed tonight. I hate having those scary dreams and suddenly waking up in the middle of the night. And the fact that no one will be there next to me when I wake up is even scarier.

I then crawled up into Mom's bed and slid in between her blankets. "Ah... this bed smells like her..." I longed to suffocate within these sheets, which were covered in her scent. I felt at ease just by smelling her peachy aroma, which made me feel like she was holding me in her arms. As I slept in this peachy scent, the thought of her death did not cross my mind, not once.

I slept until late at night. I awoke to the sound of whispers in my ear. Not only was this voice familiar, but I recognized this voice too well. This person wasn't Joon-ho... instead, it was Iseul...

I jumped up and found Iseul next to me, smiling.

My whole body froze, and I couldn't move. My body trembled as he leaned in closer and lay on top of me. My back leaned back against the bed as he leaned closer in. "This... isn't real..." I kept trying to convince myself. He then leaned in once more and kissed me from my cheek, then down to the bottom of my neck.