summer child // joshler

18

josh's point of view

the drive home is silent. there's an awkward tension between us so thick it's palpable.

tyler is gripping the steering wheel as hard as he can, his jaw clenched and his knuckles white.

i try to read his face, to guess what he could be thinking. i wanted to talk about it when it happened last night, but he ran to the tent before i even had a chance to react. i knew he was awake when i went in, but he was facing away from me and i figured he'd pretend to be asleep even if i tried to say something. i don't think he'd be very receptive if i tried to talk about it now either based on his body language in general.

we need to talk about it at some point, but i don't think either of us know how. this is completely new. i didn't expect it to happen at all, but i guess maybe he's been struggling more than i thought. i think back to the roof, when he'd asked me if i'd ever had a boyfriend, when he told me he didn't know who he was. just because my sexuality isn't a huge part of my own identity doesn't mean that his isn't affecting him.

maybe if i would have tried to talk to him more, this would've been handled better. i'm a terrible friend.

i bet he regrets it now, that he'll ignore me for as long as he can.

the silence drags on until he parks in his driveway.

"i'll get my stuff, sorry," i apologize and then grab the few things that were from my house and take them to the garage so i can leave them inside.

after a couple trips, all of the stuff that was brought from my house is back in the garage for me to properly put away later. i have my backpack of clothes over my shoulder and tyler is still sitting in his driver's seat.

i open the passenger door and look over to him. "well, i'll, um... i'll talk to you later?"

tyler nods, not even looking up. i sigh and close the car door, walking back to my own house and going straight to my room.

he probably doesn't even want to talk. maybe he does really just want to pretend it didn't happen until he's done figuring himself out. or maybe he wants to pretend it didn't happen forever.

my mom knocks on my door and waits for me to tell her to come in before opening it a few inches. "good morning, love. you're back early today, i wasn't expecting you till later. did you have fun?"

"yeah. it was great." i offer her a fake smile. i can't tell if she buys it or not.

"alright then. i'll leave you be." she closes the door and walks away.

as soon as i'm alone again, i stand up and go to my window. tyler's blinds are closed.

i pull out my phone to text him. i can't just not talk to him. i'll sit here and drive myself insane.

josh: do you wanna talk..?

he answers less than a minute later.

tyler: not really

josh: im not mad at you

josh: if thats what you were thinking

tyler: you should be

josh: why..? its not that big of a deal ty

tyler: it is for me.

josh: oh

josh: im sorry

tyler: why are you apologizing? i should be the one saying sorry

tyler: im sorry.

tyler: like that

josh: you dont have to apologize either tyler im not mad

tyler: we cant be friends anymore.

what?! why would that be the solution? i roll my eyes and type a message back.

josh: okay well thats fucking stupid. im coming over

tyler: please dont

josh: im doing it anyway.

i walk out of my house, going up to the door this time so he can't say no. i knock and his mom answers.

"joshua! how are you, dear? come on in." she steps back to let me in.

"i'm doing alright, miss kelly. how are you?"

"i'm okay." she smiles and then lowers her voice when she speaks again. "i think you're really helping tyler. all this is harder on him than he's probably willing to admit, but he's been happier lately than he has been in awhile. thank you for taking care of my boy." she hugs me for just a second before letting go. "he's in his room, sweetheart."

i nod, not really sure how to respond to that, and then make my way to tyler's room. i open the door without knocking.

he's sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at his hands, his thumb rubbing his wrist. he doesn't say anything. he doesn't even look up.

i take a seat next to him and take a deep breath. "look, i know you're going through a lot right now, more than you maybe want to talk about. and that's okay. i get it. but you don't have to do it alone, tyler. i've been through similar stuff, you know? and if you want to talk, i'd love to listen." i pause. he says nothing, so i continue, "or if you maybe want to ask questions about stuff, that's okay too. just know i'm here for you and i'd never judge you for anything. you're still my best friend. you didn't ruin anything, okay?"

tyler shrugs and i don't say anything else for a moment, trying to think of anything i could do to get him to talk to me.

then i remember in third grade, when tyler and i made up a choreographed dance to some song that was popular at the time. i don't remember the name of it, but when i pull out my phone and type a few lines into google, it comes up.

"alright, if you're not even going to look at me, i will resort to drastic measures." i stand up and press play, setting my phone on his desk and beginning the dance (that i really only remember half of).

tyler looks up when the first few chords play, his eyes red and his face splotchy. when i get to the chorus, he finally cracks a smile, so i pause the music and sit back down.

"thank god. i didn't know how i was going to improvise the next verse." i look over to him and he's staring at me with an expression i can't decode.

"how do you still remember that?"

i shrug a little. "just because you stopped being my friend doesn't mean i stopped being yours."

(an: dont ask me what song they made the dance to because i dont know)