summer child // joshler

37

josh's point of view

it's almost thanksgiving break before i even have a chance to process the time passing. tyler and i have been a lot busier lately and we haven't hung out in over a week, which is... weird. i got so used to seeing him practically every day over the summer that this has been a huge adjustment.

it's also a bit disappointing. i feel like it's more than just conflicting schedules. i feel like he's avoiding me, like he's recoiled inside himself. he's made so much progress, but i feel like lately he's taken twenty steps backwards.

i guess i knew this was a possibility. i just didn't think it was as likely anymore since we made things official or whatever a few weeks ago.

i want to believe that it's not me, that maybe it really is just school and his new job. his mom had suggested he get one when a friend of hers mentioned needing help at the pizza place he manages in town. it wasn't like i could tell him not to accept it. he can make his own decisions, but i can't help but worry that he made that one specifically because he's tired of me.

all i can hope for is maybe spending some time together over the break coming up since we won't have school. i wonder if things will feel different then after not seeing each other for a bit.

i hope not.

-

i pull out my phone to text tyler when i get to study hall, my thoughts too overwhelming at this point to ignore.

josh: hey

tyler: hey, j. whats up?

josh: can we talk about something? are you super busy rn..?

tyler: nah, we're just watching a movie

tyler: is everything okay?

josh: i dont know, thats what i wanted to talk to you about. i know youve been busy and im not mad or anything im just. idk.

my heart beats loudly in my chest as i type out my next message, scared to send it and even more scared of him replying.

josh: are we okay..? are we still like... together?

tyler: oh.

tyler: i mean, i was under the impression we were... did you not want to be..?

fuck.

josh: no no no! i do. i love you a lot, i just. miss you. and i was worried you'd changed your mind

tyler: i love you, josh. even if i went a month without so much as texting you, it couldn't change my mind.

josh: promise?

tyler: promise. how about tonight we get dinner and see a movie and then i'll stay over after, yeah?

josh: it's a date

tyler: it definitely is ;)

josh: i love you tyler

tyler: i love you joshua

-

i pull tyler into a hug as soon as i open my door. he hugs me back tightly and i get the feeling he needed it just as much as i did, which is a relief.

"hey." i break our hug and smile at him, suddenly feeling a bit nervous.

"hey, j." he reaches up and cups my face, brushing his thumb across my cheekbone. "i missed you."

"i missed you too." i lean into his hand and he kisses me once.

"you ready, love?"

i feel myself blush at that. he hardly ever really calls me anything other than my name or 'j.'

"ready."

he takes my hand and walks me to his car, opening the door for me before jogging around to get in himself. he drives to the restaurant with one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding mine.

he pulls into a parking spot and tells me to wait while he comes over to open my door again.

we're seated shortly after we come in and look over the menu together.

"do you want to share the fajitas?" he asks, turning the page over again.

"sounds good to me." i push mine aside and we wait for the waitress to come.

we order a small cheese dip and our food, along with two waters.

"so, how's work been?" i ask, making conversation while we wait.

"a lot. i have a lot on my plate right now, it's super stressful. i wish i got to see you more. but it's not terrible. i get paid so i can spend money on things like this." he offers me a tired smile.

i almost feel guilty for dragging him out here, for making him spend time with me when he could be resting.

"i'm sorry, tyler," is all i can think to say.

"why?" he furrows his eyebrows, confused.

"i just don't want to be another thing on your plate i guess, you know?"

"oh, josh, no." he reaches out and takes my hand. "i didn't mean it like that at all. i'd much rather be here. i'd rather be anywhere with you."

-

after dinner and our movie, we end up lying on tyler's roof. the sun is setting, what's left of the light illuminating his face in a way i can only describe as ethereal.

"so, i applied to a few colleges." i bring this topic up hesitantly, gauging his reaction carefully.

his face remains stoic. "i was planning on applying to a few this week since i'd have some free time."

"yeah? that's great. i'm sure you'll get into wherever you want to go," i tell him, a small smile tugging at my lips.

"i'm sure you will too." he pauses and then looks to me. "i was thinking about it. i think college will be better... in a lot of ways."

"like what?"

"like everything."

"i hope so."

(an: i wrote this at 4am months ago but didn't get a chance to update yesterday. sorry!!)