summer child // joshler

34

tyler's point of view

senior-itis is in full swing for me.

if it weren't for josh, i would probably be failing all my classes (other than math [which i am good at, as much as i hate admitting it]).

however, at the moment, i'm currently avoiding my homework by helping josh with his.

"see? those cancel each other out." i point to a part of the equation he's balancing.

"that makes sense." he nods and writes down a new answer. "is it right now?"

"yeah, perfect." i smile and give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"see? you'd make a great math teacher." he compliments me and i feel myself blush.

"i've thought more about it and i really do think thats what i want," i tell him.

he takes my hand in his and squeezes it once. "then i think you should do it."

he finishes his homework with me scrolling on my phone next to him, helping wherever i can. when he's done, he changes into comfier clothes and we lay together, watching a movie he picked.

i'd be lying if i said i was paying much attention. i've been staring at josh for most of it, taking in every centimeter of him. every pore, every imperfection, every single bit. i feel like i could look at him forever and never get tired of it, like i could have him completely memorized and it'd still be my favorite thing to do.

the sun has set by the time the movie is over and it's time for me to go home.

"i'll see you later, baby." he leans against his doorframe, pajama pants hanging low on his hips.

baby. i dont think i'll ever get over that part either.

i wrap my arms around him instead of replying, hugging him tightly. "i love you."

"i love you too, tyler." he kisses the top of my head and then takes my face in his hands after our hug breaks, pulling me forward so he can kiss my lips just once.

i walk back home, my cheeks pink as his gaze follows me. i don't hear his front door shut until mine opens. i lock it behind me and go to my room, changing into a pair of sweatpants and one of josh's hoodies. i stole it from his closet one night, about a month ago. i figured he wouldn't notice until winter. he hasn't said anything yet. or he doesn't care.

laying in bed alone, my mind begins reeling at the thought of my future. i think being a teacher would suit me. i mean, i'm good at math, i think i'd be able to explain things in a way that might make more sense to kids than some of the methods i was taught. i could probably coach a basketball team too, which i think would be fun.

my thoughts take the same path they always do, the same image of my adulthood painted out in my head.

i know i want to go to college with josh. i want to spend as much time with him as i can. i'd like for that to mean i'd get forever with him. i can't imagine my life without him in it anymore. that's somehow even more terrifying.

but i can see it. i can see our clothes hanging in the same closet, our shoes next to each other by the door, our cars parked in the same driveway. i can see matching gold bands on our hands and matching smiles on our faces when we put them on for the first time.

worry begins to eat at me and i'm scared i'm beginning to rely on him too much, that he helps me with so many things and i'll soon become a burden. what if he doesn't want that? what if he gets tired of waiting?

i feel like i'm walking on a tightrope and my options are the soft safety-net of josh or the cold ground of this facade i've built. i want to be with him, to show him off. i want to love him without fear, without hurting him, without fucking up the one good thing i have in my life. i want to be with him in every single way.

tears burn behind my eyes and i just don't understand why i can't do it yet. i don't know what i'm so scared of. i've never cared what people have thought of me. this is just different. i guess maybe because it changes how i think of me. it goes against what my parents envisioned for me when they had me. it goes against what i thought i'd be too. everything is happening so fast and despite what josh says, i feel like i need to make up my mind, to figure this out as soon as humanly possible.

i've never put this much thought into my life plans. i've never cared enough to.

everything is different now.

(an: short chapter and kind of a filler but a bit of insight into tyler's mind again)