summer child // joshler

27

josh's point of view

"i don't want to be your friend anymore because i want to be more than that."

my eyes go wide as i take in the boy in front of me, all of his edges fraying as he makes this admission, his hair messy and his eyebrows knitted together. he's beautiful.

we've known each other for so long, even though we didn't talk for awhile. we know every secret, every habit, every preference, every hiding place. we know each other so well, so deeply. and i know this is difficult for him, that it's different. the fact that he trusts me enough to be so open and so honest, so vulnerable, so himself, means much more to me than he understands. and i'm so proud of him.

i think i want more too. i think maybe we could be more, that some day down the road, this could work. i can see a future with him, one that's caring and sweet and lasts forever. one where we watch every sunset together, where we fall asleep next to each other every night in a bed that belongs to both of us. one where there's no more fear, no uncertainty. one where we're happy.

"well-" i start to tell him how i feel, or at least part of it, but he interrupts me.

"i know that you probably don't feel the same way and this whole thing is kinda fucked up. and i know i feel... wrong, i guess. and confused. i feel like i'm gross, like i'm somehow bad for having these feelings and i hate it. i hate feeling that way about everything and i don't-"

it's my turn to stop him this time. i bring my hands to his face and pull him into a kiss. it only lasts a second, and as soon as i pull away, he all but collapses into me, his head falling to my shoulder and tears spilling relentlessly from his eyes. he sobs into my shirt, gripping the fabric with tight fists. i wish i could take it all away from him, all the hurt he's keeping tucked inside his chest.

"shhh, i know, ty. it's okay. it's gonna be okay." i rub gentle circles over his back and do my best to comfort him. "i'm here. i've got you."

he needs time. and that's okay. i can give that to him.

once he's calmed down a few minutes later, i speak again. "i know that it's hard, hearing one thing for so long while you're growing up and then actually experiencing it for the first time. i know it's easy to blame yourself, to be mad at yourself. but tyler, if something makes you happy, that's not wrong. you're not bad for having those feelings, or any feelings at all. you deserve more happiness and love than anyone i know."

"but... i-i've ruined it now. i've messed everything up again. that's all i ever do." he sniffles, still not lifting his head from my shoulder. the pain in his voice is almost unbearable.

"you could never ruin our friendship, tyler. ever. no matter how hard you tried."

"but-"

"it's okay if you don't fully know what your feelings are just yet, but whatever you want to call it, i feel it too. maybe just like we were friends who kiss sometimes, we're friends who just have feelings, you know? it still doesnt have to be anymore complicated than that. i know how i feel and i know you're still working some things out and that's okay. i'm still here, tyler. the world didnt end. we're still here. nothing is ruined."

tyler finally moves but only enough to kiss me again, our lips moving in perfect harmony with each other. i wait for him to pull away this time and he doesn't do so until he's just about breathless, a shy smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"it feels different now."

"good different or bad different..?"

"good. definitely good."

(an: sorry about the shorter chapter again but i am so soft :,) )