summer child // joshler

29

josh's point of view

as i'm on my morning run, the summer sun hot on my face and sweat beading at my hairline, i take the time to think about how fast the beginning of our senior year is starting to close in on us. i have so many worries and anxieties eating away at me, one of them being how tyler will handle the transition within our (unofficial and quite complex) relationship.

he's made good progress and i'm happier than i have been in a long time. i'm almost positive he would say the same. i want to think nothing will change, that we'll see each other every day, go on dates every saturday, study together and hold hands in the hallways. i just can't be sure. i can't predict the future despite how much i'd like to, and it's very scary to think about all of the time we've spent building this bond back so high that would be wasted. falling back into his routines, into his basketball star persona, would be much easier for him. i couldn't be mad at him for that, for being anxious about coming out or worried about his peers' reactions.

when i make my way back home, i stop outside my house, leaning against the brick exterior for a moment before changing my route. i instead walk over to tyler's window. i've seen him a couple of times since our date last week, but i feel the need to talk to him.

his blinds are open but he's laying in his bed, preoccupied by his phone, so i'm not sure he's aware of my presence just yet. i knock on his window to grab his attention and smile as he startles a little, looking over and jumping up when he sees that it's me. he opens his window and steps back just enough for me to come in. once i'm inside, we end up standing only a few inches apart. tyler makes no move to widen the gap between us, instead staring at me with wide eyes and red cheeks.

"enjoying the view?" i ask, not really sure how to handle the attention. i'm suddenly hyperaware of the fact that my shirt is thrown over my shoulder and that i probably smell terrible. tyler doesn't seem to notice, his gaze wandering and his mouth slightly open.

"is it bad if i say yes?"

i laugh a little at his response and shake my head. "no, ty, i was just messing with you. i don't really care if you look at me."

he nods and then stays silent for a moment before talking again. "i, um... could i, like... touch you?" his voice is quiet and nervous.

i know that it's not necessarily sexual for him, that it's far more intimate than that. he's never been able to even think about this kind of scenario, he's never allowed himself to want even the idea of this.

"i don't mind, as long as you're aware im pretty sweaty." i smile at him, hoping it's reassuring. the tension seems unpenetrable and i decide to just shut up for a while.

he reaches up with a shaking hand and brings it to my collarbone, letting it slide slowly down to my chest. his touch is featherlight and i feel like if i breathe, he'll disappear. he moves his hand back up and over my shoulder, landing on my upper arm before he says anything.

"i, um, i'm sorry if this is weird, i've never..." he starts in a whisper but doesn't finish the sentence.

"hey, don't apologize. it's not weird at all. if you made me uncomfortable, i would've said something."

my body is one thing i've never felt insecure of, and he's seen me shirtless dozens of times anyway. this time does feel a little different though, for obvious reasons. this is new and it's something i'm not sure how to navigate.

tyler is familiar. he's like coming home after a long day. he's the exhale that eases all the tension in my body. i've always been comfortable around him, but i can't pretend my heartbeat didn't seem to speed up as his hand touched my skin.

tyler nods and moves his hand to the back of my neck, bringing his other up to join it, and pulling me down into a kiss. when he pulls away, he offers me a small smile, his cheeks still painted red. "every time we do that, i think it will go away, but it never does."

"what will go away?"

"the feeling in my stomach." he looks down at his socks.

i smile back at him and bring my hands to rest on his hips. "tyler joseph, are you trying to tell me that i give you butterflies?"

"maybe... is that like-"

"tyler, you dont have to ask if it's okay or if anything is weird. we're making our own rules here, remember? i told you, it doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to be. don't be scared with me, okay?"

tyler nods and then drops his hands, moving mine off of him to guide me to sit next to him on his bed. we only stay like that for a second before he lays back, pulling me to lay above him. his hands go back to my face, our skin only separated by a few inches yet again.

"okay?" he says, asking for clarification (even though i just told him he didn't need to do so).

"if you are."

he nods and then kisses me, our lips gliding together like it's all they've ever known. i let myself relish in the feeling, the all-consuming warmth that spreads from the top of my head all the way to the bottom of my feet. i let myself get lost in it, my mind a loop of nothing but tyler, tyler, tyler.

a knock on the door jars us both out of our thoughts and i immediately fall onto the space next to him while he scrambles to get up.

he opens the door enough to peek his head out. "yeah, mom?"

"i was just making sure that you still wanted to go shopping later? school supplies, clothes, and whatnot?"

"yeah. okay, yeah, sorry."

he closes the door when his mom walks away, turning back to sit down next to me where i've sat up and leaned myself against the wall. "so..." his lips seem a bit swollen and i'm almost convinced the pink in his cheeks is permanent now.

"are you alright?" i check in, wondering if it was as intense for him as it was for me.

he nods. "yeah, yeah, i just... wow. um... do you think we could do that again maybe?"

"if you want to," i answer, trying to hide just how badly i'd like to do that forever.

"i know that you're doing a lot to help me and that you're trying to make it easy on me, but if you don't want to do something, that's okay too. i don't want to be the only one enjoying any of it," he says, looking away.

"hey." i pause and shift to lift him onto my lap so he's facing me, his legs on either side of myself. "tyler, i enjoy everything we do. playing video games, sitting on the roof, driving around town. i like you and i like kissing you. i am trying to make sure you're comfortable, yeah, but i wouldn't do anything i didn't want to."

in reality, if he looked at me the way he was earlier for long enough, i think i'd do anything he wanted, even if i didn't want to.

(an: this literally had me blushing alone in my room. anyway, im seeing conan gray today!!! aka the person who wrote the song this story was inspired by! big day for annoying people [me]. if there's any typos i missed it's because i woke up at 6am and im in the car rn)