summer child // joshler

32

tyler's point of view

i wake up before my alarm, anxiety already consuming my entire body. today is the first day of senior year.

i sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes, then stand and open my blinds. the sun is bright as it bleeds into my room. josh's blinds are closed too narrow for me to see if he's there, but i'm sure he's already left. he mentioned needing to leave early to pick up adam instead of making him ride the bus alone. he's much better at having friends than i am.

i take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. it doesn't work.

i get ready slowly, dragging out my morning routine as much as i can. i say goodbye to my mom and get in my car at the very last minute, a playlist josh made for me awhile back playing softly through my speakers. i try to pretend he's here with me, to imagine what he'd say.

he'd hold my hand and smile at me. he'd tell me everything is going to be fine and that he's there for me, that he loves me.

i let myself stay in my imagination with josh until i finally pull in to a parking space.

i grab my backpack and lock my car, heading inside with a clenched jaw and a headache. i stop at my locker to put a few things away and see a note was slipped inside before i got here.

dont forget about me. i'll see you around. text me if you want. ♡
- j

i smile at the note, my nervousness subsiding a bit. i decide to tuck it into my pocket for safekeeping. a good-luck charm on paper.

when i take my seat in my first class, i pull my phone out and text josh. the first day is always boring introductions and things i don't care to hear.

tyler: im not going to forget about you, you big dummy. we literally live next door to each other.

josh: you never know. how are you feeling?

tyler: good... but i havent been here long

josh: youre in math right?

he remembered my schedule. of course he did.

tyler: yeah, wby

josh: english

tyler: fun

josh: its not that bad

tyler: of course it isnt for you. youre super smart

josh: tyler please shut the hell up you are also really fucking smart and i will hit you

tyler: no you wont

josh: okay youre right but i'll want to

tyler: thats fair

i put my phone down after that when the syllabus for the year is being passed around. i look over it, not too worried about any of the material. math has never been hard for me, i don't expect this class to be any different. history, on the other hand, may be my detriment.

the day goes by quickly, much to my surprise. i'm at lunch before i know it, sitting between carter and blake at the same table the team has always sat at.

i wanted to try to find josh, but blake came up behind me in the lunch line and threw an arm around my shoulder, dragging me to my seat as soon as my food was paid for.

"so, we didn't see too much of you this summer, joseph," blake starts. "where were ya hiding?" he opens his drink and downs half of it in one go.

"i was just at home. didn't feel like doing anything i guess." i shrug and move my mashed potatoes around with my fork, uninterested.

i tune out of the conversation after that, scanning the cafeteria for my real best friend. i see him sitting at a table across the room with adam, nicole, luke, and charlie. i recognize them all from his birthday party and i wish i was sitting with them. i just... can't.

i feel like i'm splitting in two now, like who i am is officially divided into the persona i've painted for the basketball team and the vulnerable version of myself that i've hidden everywhere other than josh's room and my rooftop. i can't figure out how to close the gap between them and i'm not sure i'd be brave enough to even if i could. my only other option is cutting the tie altogether.

"what's up there, bud? you're acting weird." carter nudges me with his elbow.

"nah, just tired i think."

-

i get home before josh does. i perch myself on his doorstep, my knees pulled to my chest and my palms clammy.

he pulls up a few minutes later and smiles when he sees me, his backpack slung over his shoulder. "hey, ty. what're you doing here?"

"what took you so long?" i stand up and dust myself off. i want to hug him until neither of us can breathe.

"oh, i took adam home. sorry, i thought i told you. you wanna come in?"

i nod and he leads me inside. i feel my stomach drop as soon as i step into his room. i'm a fraud. i am nothing and he is everything.

josh sits on his bed and waits for me as i kick my shoes off and take a seat in front of him.

he's looking at me with his warm eyes and the same soft smile he always gives me and fuck, i love him.

"how was your first day?" i reach out and take one of his hands in mine, squeezing them. i can't believe he's real.

"it was good. i have a few classes with a couple of my friends and i don't have any homework yet so that's always nice. how was yours, love?" he brings my hand up to his mouth and presses a soft kiss to it. i melt into a puddle on the floor and seep through the carpet.

"um, it was fine. i, uh... didn't do very well in practice today and everyone kept asking me if something was wrong, but i was just up in my head. you know how i am." i shrug and look down at my lap.

"mhm. in your head about what?"

"everything. this, us. i feel like it's different now that school has started," i admit half of the truth, my voice quiet.

"is it... what happened?" he asks, obviously nervous to hear my answer.

"no, no, no. it's not that. that was amazing. i don't regret it or anything, don't worry. i just... i feel like i'm living a double life, you know? all i wanted to do all day was come back here and watch tv with you." i give him the rest of my confession and look back up at him to see that god damn smile, a little wider now, like the sun and the beach and the forest.

he's so understanding and kind. he's patient and caring. he's everything i'll never be and everything i don't deserve.

"then let's watch some tv, yeah?" he pats the space next to him for me to sit there rather than across from him, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and kissing the top of my head as soon as i'm settled. "we can figure the rest out as we go. nothing has to be different until you're ready."

"i love you, josh," i reply, the words thick with emotion as they fall from my lips. he'll never know how much i mean them, how deep my love for him is. it's etched in my bones at this point, written on my blood cells and lining the inside of my lungs. for so many years it's been there, i just never noticed.

"i love you too, tyler."

and i believe him.

(an: hi! the playlist for this story is linked in my bio if anyone's interested. anyways, how are you all? i had a rough encounter with my mom yesterday so i am here to remind you all that you're loved, valued, and valid. i am proud of you.)