summer child // joshler

24

josh's point of view

i'm sitting at my desk while adam sits at the edge of my bed. he got here about half an hour ago and we've been catching up, talking about our summers so far.

"so, you've been hanging out more with tyler, yeah?" he asks, his voice tinged with an emotion that i can't distinguish.

"yeah. we just kinda sit around and talk. we went camping a couple weeks ago, but we haven't done much. this summer's just been kinda uneventful i guess." i shrug.

i need to bring it up. i know i do. i'm not sure how to do it delicately enough, how to make sure i don't hurt his feelings.

"hm. you replacing me now, huh?" he smiles and it's definitely sadness that comes across his face. shit.

"no, no, i'm not. i couldn't replace you." i pause and clear my throat, my gaze glued to the floor now. "he did say something to me though. it was... i don't know."

this is going terribly already.

"what..? should i be scared?" he lets out a nervous laugh.

"well, what he said... um, he said that he thinks that you, um... that you like me?" i push the words out. they're forced and quiet and i still can't look at him.

"oh... i... yeah. i guess i kind of thought you already knew that." his voice is softer now too and i'm sure if i looked up, he'd be looking down at the floor just as i am.

"i didn't..."

"right, okay. i, um... i take it you don't feel the same then..?"

here it goes.

"no. adam, i'm really sorry. i do care about you and you're still one of my best friends. i just... don't feel that way. i hope you-"

"it's because of him, isn't it?" he pauses and when i look up, our eyes meet. "you two are a thing, aren't you? i saw the way he looked at you. it's the same way i look at you."

"i don't... what? we're not like that, no. we're just friends. i-"

"yeah." he interrupts me with a scoff, his entire demeanor shifted now. "i've barely seen you all summer and suddenly you're just best friends with him again? he's an asshole, josh. did you forget that? the entire basketball team, they're all dicks to us, remember?"

"but he's not... he's not like that, adam." my voice is almost a whisper at this point.

i knew there was a possibility i'd hurt his feelings and make him sad, but i didn't anticipate anger.

"that's why he never stopped them then, huh?"

"adam, it's really not like that. can't we just pretend this never happened? you're still one of my best friends." i feel like i'm begging now and i wish i'd never started the conversation at all.

"'one of.' whatever. i'm gonna go home. text me when you've figured your shit out." adam walks away, shutting my door behind him.

what the hell just happened?

my friendship (if that's what we're calling it) with tyler is kind of complicated at the moment, but it's still not any of adam's business, as frustrating as that may be for him. i guess i understand that his feelings were hurt, but i'm not sure what else i was supposed to do.

this is all my fault. i feel like i've been leading adam on this whole time now, but i can't help that i don't feel that way about him for the same reason i can't help that i do feel that way about tyler, which i also feel bad about.

i feel selfish. i'm doing everything i can to help him while he's figuring himself out, but deep down i'm enjoying it. because i do like him. a lot.

and i know he doesn't know what he feels yet about his own sexuality, much less about me. but what if the feelings he's so scared of are actually feelings for me?

i want to go see him, to talk to him about this stuff, but i can't. i can't tell him how much i like him. i don't want him to feel rushed or pressured or like i've been using him.

i guess i can talk to him about the adam half of it though.

-

"he just left after that," i finish the story (leaving out the part where adam was right about me having feelings for tyler, obviously).

"i'm really sorry, josh. i didn't mean to fuck that up for you." tyler looks down at his lap. we're both sitting on his bed next to each other. he reaches over and takes my hand in his. "i know you two were close. and he was right, we were all really shitty to you guys. to lots of people. i should've said something that day. and i'm so sorry." his voice is quiet and sincere.

"i know, ty. it's not your fault. i forgive you." i squeeze his hand this time. "at least we're friends now, yeah?"

"yeah."

(an: alexa, play friends by ed sheeran... no but anyways i updated today bc i also posted the first chapters of my two new books and i couldnt let my lil baby summer child feel left out!)