summer child // joshler

22

josh's point of view

after the firework show, tyler comes home to spend the night with me. we sit on my bed, leaning against the wall behind us while a movie plays on my tv. i've got my arm around his shoulders and i try to use the contact to ground me, but i end up lost in my thoughts anyway.

i worry that things will change once school starts. i know tyler said he still wants to be friends and i know he's already made progress, like when he stuck up for that boy his teammates were making fun of, when he stuck up for me. i trust him to keep his word, that he doesn't care what they think and he won't let it stop him from being my friend. but i can also recognize that he's still... fragile.

i look down at him to see he's fallen asleep so i kiss the top of his head. he looks vulnerable. small. like he's finally getting rest after being so at war in his head. he deserves that. i'm glad i can give him that.

i just have to tell myself everything will be okay.

-

there's about a month and a half left of summer still i think. tyler and i are sitting across from each other at mcdonalds the afternoon of the fifth of july, eating our food and making conversation.

"josh!"

i look up and see adam has walked in with his sisters, both of which are a few grades below us.

"oh, hey, adam." i smile and stand when he comes towards me with open arms.

he gives me a lingering hug and then pulls away. "how are you? it's been a little bit."

"yeah, i'm good." i nod, standing there awkwardly. it has been awhile since we've talked and i feel bad about the note we left on. "how are you?"

"i'm good. just been hanging out and taking care of my sisters. i told them i'd bring them here for lunch so we could take it to the park for a picnic. i'll text you later though, cool?" he gestures back to his sisters who are already waiting in line.

"cool." i give a small wave as he walks away and then turn to tyler, who watched the whole exchange silently. i sit down again and take a bite of my food. "what?"

"how long have you guys been friends?" he asks, taking a sip of his drink after.

"i dont know. maybe like three years or so." i shrug. "why?"

"mhm. okay. and how long has he had a crush on you?" he raises one eyebrow.

"what..? he doesn't have a crush on me." i cross my arms over my chest.

there's no way. right?

"dude."

"what?" i say again, confused and still thinking it over.

"you are so dumb and absolutely oblivious. he likes you, josh. believe me or don't." tyler shrugs and then shoves a few fries in his mouth.

i guess if he had a crush on me it would explain why he didn't like the idea of me hanging out with tyler, why he was jealous. the more i reflect on it, the more i start to look at all the small signs he'd dropped over the past school year or two.

oh.

oh no.

we finish eating in silence and then i drive us home, the songs on the radio completely silenced by the thoughts in my head.

"so, uh... you want to go to the roof?" tyler asks, almost uncertain, unbuckling his seatbelt once we're parked.

"yeah, sure," i agree and follow him to the backyard.

we climb up onto the surface and lay down next to each other, both of us on our backs and looking up at the clouds.

it's quiet for a minute before tyler speaks. "hey, um... i just wanted to say that like... i'll understand if you want to, uh... pursue that or whatever. we're not dating or anything. you don't owe anything to me if that's what you want. i wouldn't be upset with you." his voice is wavering and he won't look at me.

"oh. oh, no, i don't... i don't like him like that. i didn't even know he felt that way until today. it's not, like... reciprocated," i answer, hurrying to get the words out and feeling even more awkward now about the situation as a whole.

"oh."

"i don't know how to tell him that though. i don't want to mess up our friendship if i say something stupid."

in hindsight, that was not the best way to word it. i look over to gauge his reaction and wait to see if it will upset him.

his face is blank for a second and then he turns to look at me. "it didn't mess up ours."

"no, but this is... quite a bit different."

and it is. because like i said, i don't like adam like that.

"oh... yeah, i guess."

(an: rip adam)