summer child // joshler

44

trigger warning: self harm.
ill put a *** before it happens and after its over. it's only really one paragraph but i want you all to stay safe. i love you. i'm here for you.

tyler's point of view

i don't leave work until around midnight, my body sore and my eyes begging me to let them close.

i drive home and shower in silence, only looking at my phone again to set my alarms once i'm already in bed.

i see josh's text again, staring at me in a bright gray bubble.

josh: hey, can we talk..?

i didn't answer when i saw it and i can't bring myself to now. i don't know what to say to him. i kept meaning to text or call him, to go see him. i just can't. i don't know what to say and i freeze every time i try to think of something.

but i miss him.

i'm laying in my bed, staring at the photo of us he gave me. it sits on my bedside and keeps me awake. i haven't slept much at all lately, my mind constantly racing. i stand up and look out my window, just like i do every night, hoping to see josh. he's not there and his blinds are closed. what i do see is his ring, sitting in the windowsill.

i feel the fatal drop of the last integral brick holding me up. tears fall from my eyes immediately and my knees give out. i drop to the floor, letting myself cry silently as i lay on my carpet.

the whole time i was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me, worried i'd fuck it all up. i guess i was too hyper-focused on the details to see that i was pulling it out inch by inch the whole time.

i try to calm myself down and turn to my side. i face the area underneath my bed and spot a small box towards the wall. i haven't touched it since ninth grade. it was during one of my parents' worst fights, right before josh and i had stopped talking. i guess it'd be more accurate to say that i stopped talking to him, just like this time.

fuck it.

i feel the pull begin as i bring the box out, the separation between who i think i want to be and who i think i'm supposed to be. i sit up and open the lid to see the small piece of metal still sitting inside.

it won't matter anyway. josh is tired of me. i've officially pushed too far. i took him for granted and he's done with me now. he won't be there to hug me this time, to make sure it stays clean and covered and offer me one of the cookies that his mom had made for the two of us the day before. he won't be here at all.

***

i hold it to my wrist, hesitating for a moment. i take a breath and put it to my skin, making a few small cuts. they aren't very deep, but when i see the blood bead up on my arm, the sting already fading away, i don't feel sad anymore. just... numb.

***

-

at lunch the next day, i don't even bother going through the lunch line for food. i buy a bottle of apple juice from one of the vending machines in the cafeteria, periodically taking a few sips.

i stare at josh, like i do almost every day. he's not been in the cafeteria as much lately. i think he eats in the art room with adam instead. maybe adam will make him happy.

josh looks over and we make eye contact. he picks his phone up and then points to it, silently asking me to pick mine up before he types out a quick message.

josh: roof after school?

tyler: i work tonight

just like almost every other night. it's a distraction at least.

josh: until when?

tyler: 12 :/

josh: jfc. okay. i'll wait up for you and meet you there.

tyler: you don't have to, i know it's late

josh: no. i do have to. we need to talk and you said its easier for you to talk up there.

tyler: okay

i feel my chest tighten once more with anxiety. this is it. he's going to tell me he hates me and he never wants to see me again.

i wince when my thumb rubs over my wrist, the marks there still sensitive. i pick my backpack up and dig through it, finding a rubber-band at the bottom.

bingo.

-

my heart is pounding by the time i pull into the driveway. i walk around to the backyard and climb up to the roof,
my body tired and a headache forming.

josh is waiting for me, the small nightlight he'd brought when we went camping turned on by his side.

he turns to look at me once i'm sitting next to him. "tyler, what is going on? you look like a corpse. do you work this late every night? have you even been sleeping? or eating?" he asks me several questions at once and i can already feel my eyes begin to fill with tears.

"um, sometimes." i choose to answer his last three questions instead of the first one.

josh opens his mouth to say something and then looks down at my hands. i hadn't realized id been fiddling with the band until then.

"tyler, is that a rubber-band?" he speaks quietly, his tone shifting completely.

i pull my sleeves down to cover my hands. "oh, uh... nothing."

great answer, tyler.

josh reaches out and slowly takes my hand in his. he pulls it towards him and lifts the sleeve. my breath hitches and the first tear falls. he looks back up at me and our eyes meet. that's when i lose it again, breaking into full sobs that shake my shoulders and steal the air from my lungs. i'm pathetic.

"i'm fucking dying, josh. i've been dying and i want to be with you all the time but i've ruined it. i ruin everything and all i do is hurt you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry," i cry, bringing my hands up to cover my face.

"tyler, i love you and i want to be there for you, but i can't do that if you don't let me." he brings his hand to rub soft circles across my back over the fabric of both my shirt and zip-up hoodie.

"i-i don't know if i can do it. all i do i-is let you down," i mumble, my words not fully coherent.

"that's not true, honey." he lifts me up and pulls me to sit in his lap. he holds me close to him, his hand still rubbing soothing shapes across my back.

i wrap my arms around him and grip his shirt tightly. i know i must look terribly stupid and embarrassing, but i feel like every piece of me has broken, each puzzle piece finally disconnected and spread across the roof we're sitting on.

"just gotta stick around a little while longer, yeah?" he tells me, kissing the top of my head.

"what about college?"

"we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. let me take care of you tonight."

"i haven't even had a shower, i probably stink," i warn him, pulling away just a little.

"shhh, let me take care of you. come on."

(an: i hope everyone stays safe. it is worth it to stick around and stay alive, friends. i love you all. my dms are always open. <3)