summer child // joshler

36

tyler's point of view

i look over at josh, both of us naked and slightly sweaty. i find his hand under the blanket and hold it, looking over to him with a small smile.

even with his curls a bit damp and sticking to his forehead, he's still perfect to me. i'm lucky to have him. i don't deserve anyone or anything nearly as nice as he is. fuck.

"josh?"

"hm?" his eyes wander around my face and his mouth is set in a small smile.

i really don't want to ruin the moment. just because my brain never shuts up doesn't mean i should bother him when he looks so... blissful.

"nevermind." i smile back at him, hoping he won't try to fish what i was going to say out of me. i know him better than to think that he won't though.

he turns to fully face me and pulls me closer to him. "are you okay? did i do something wrong?"

"oh, no. no. it's not about that. that was... fantastic." i feel my cheeks warm a bit and try to ignore it.

"what's going on then, ty? talk to me, love."

"i just... i wish i wasn't so scared. you know i don't really care what they think. i don't know what's holding me back. i want to be better for you. you deserve better than that. you deserve more than me. but i want to be your boyfriend, not just friends who do whatever we're doing. and i want to stare at you all fucking day, forever. it's intense and a little embarrassing to say out loud i guess, but you just... you make everything look so easy and i'm so lucky to have you.

"i feel like i'm taking you for granted and i'm just constantly waiting for the ball to drop, for me to do something that shatters us. you always look at me like you know everything will be okay and i wish i could be there, but i'm not sure how." by the time i finish my monologue, i'm out of breath and tears have begun welling up in my eyes.

josh kisses me then, just once, soft and sweet. "i get scared too, tyler. i'm not going to lie to you and tell you i don't. i worry that something will happen to us all the time, that you'll get scared and run away or that you'll get bored of me and change your mind. this is new for both of us. i don't mind that you need time, seriously. i understand that and i could never blame you for it. i love you, ty. love is a big thing and it is intense and embarrassing sometimes. but we're doing it together, right?" he pauses and waits for me to nod before continuing, "maybe we can be boyfriends. we're already just friends who kiss and have sex and love each other." he smiles a little. "maybe we can be friends who are also boyfriends. and we don't have to tell anyone until you're ready."

there he is again, saying all the right things and calming every nerve in my body. god, i love him. i didn't know it was possible to love someone this much. he makes me feel so safe, so comfortable. he makes his bed feel like a cloud, like we're floating in the sky where nothing bad could ever touch us.

"i love you, joshua."

"i love you, tyler."

"so... are we dating now?"

"if you want to be. but like i said, we don't have to tell anyone until you're ready."

"hm... my boyfriend, huh?"

"boyfriends," he repeats, smiling at me like i've hung the moon.

"it doesn't feel as scary as i thought it would to say it out loud," i admit, a weight lifted from my shoulders.

"i'm glad." he kisses me one more time. "now, let's go to sleep."

-

i'm sitting at lunch, completely ignoring the conversations happening around me. i'm buried in my brain again, my food neglected in front of me.

today's subject of overthinking is the same as it always is: josh.

this time, i'm trying to guess what our parents would say if they knew we were together.

i don't think either of us would feel the need to tell our dads. mine hasn't spoken to me since he moved out and josh hasn't heard from his since his birthday. apparently gifting him a car was a big enough gesture to buy his absence for the next several holidays.

i think our moms would be okay with it. i'm not sure if they'd even be surprised. i think they'd be supportive regardless. i wonder if they'd let us hang out alone after that or if they'd be more strict about it. not that it would matter. it's not like it would stop us. we've been sneaking in and out of each other's rooms forever.

i wonder what his friends would do too. i know adam suspects something between us, but i'm not sure if his other friends know anything. i don't really know them that well. i think adam would be angry though. he doesn't like me at all. i don't know if it's because he has feelings for josh or if it's me as a person, but i could see either option being true.

my team would probably bully me until the end of time if they knew i was gay in the first place. if they knew i was with josh, they'd probably beat me up or something. i'd be ostracized. i keep telling myself i don't care what they think, that their opinions don't mean anything to me. and it's true, they don't. but i don't want to fear for my safety or deal with every single practice being a living hell.

now that we're officially dating though, none of that seems to matter as much. now that we have a label, i feel more... secure in our relationship.

i think it'll be even less scary when we're in college, surrounded by people we don't know. we'd have a blank slate. i could hold his hand in the hallway, i could kiss him in the cafeteria.

i just have to make it through this year.

(an: robbed of smut again ha nerds)