What I never told you (ReaderxDazai)

SHI

After I left, every melody

That in my ears rang

Seemed nothing but a monody

That with teary eyes she once sang

Dazai's POV

I've never believed in fate. I simply couldn't stand the idea of a superior being deciding what I had to do and when I had to do it. Who I had to see and where I had to see them.

No. I am definitely not fond of destiny.

I want to be the only one who decides what to do with my life.

And yet, no matter where I go or what I do, she always comes to my mind. Almost as if I was forced by this so called 'fate' to remember her and her laugh, her smile, her warm touch, her soft voice... And everything I left behind the day I decided to quit the Port Mafia. But I knew that could be a possibility. What I didn't expect, though, was that the world had such plans for her and I. She had always been there for me, after all, and we shared so many memories and missions we were almost the same person. She was the only one who made it through a mask nobody noticed, and yet, I left, scared of what it could happen to her. To us.

Maybe that's why my past self didn't dare ask her to tag along.

It's not that I wanted to abandon her. No. I... I just wanted to get rid of my dark bloody past. To start anew. To make amends and fulfill the promise I made to Odasaku before he passed away. But that world was the only one she had known, too. How could I tell her that it was not the only one when I didn't even know myself whether I'd make it to the other side or not? How could I ask her to forget her origins, all she had been trained for, to come with me and help me make my deceased friend's last wish become a reality?

At that moment, my younger self was sure that pleading her such thing would be too selfish, or that she wouldn't accept it, or that I'd only cause her more suffering than if I said nothing. Perhaps all of them at a time.

And yes, fearing how my decision would turn out to be, I left without writing a single note. I left pretending that I had died in that operation. I left making her think I was dead. Making everyone think that Osamu Dazai, the executive of the Port Mafia and right hand of Ougai Mori had indeed passed onto another life. We were Mafia, after all. I would only be missed as a source of knowledge, but not as a human being.

Or that's what I first thought.

What I had never expected was that it would hurt me so much to see her at the graveyard that autumn night, singing a broken melody to the wind. A monody etched in my memory for the rest of my life.

"We promised our ties

Couldn't be severed

Guess they were all lies

For me to be remembered

Now I'm missing a part of me

That was never meant to be killed

But that is just for me to see

How your desire was finally fulfilled

Now I can't hold you like before

My soul feels numb, my body sore

So please tell me, what will I live for

If I can't be with you anymore?

Is there a way to meet you again

Without our lives coming to an end?

Is there a way to reunite