What I never told you (ReaderxDazai)

SAN JUU NI

Lost the way to your heart

As I found myself betrayed

By the one that I first hurt

Dazai's POV

It was late at night when I saw her delicate figure leaning on a lamppost at the entrance of the Port Mafia's headquarters. She stayed still for several seconds tugging her silky hair behind her ear, looking intensely at the door and, the moment she spotted both me and Chuuya, she rushed inside as though her life depended on it, just to hug us tight and look at us afterwards with a concerned and pissed-off expression. Only in her had I seen such beautiful and full-of-emotion eyes. And the thought that I could count on her made my heart beat with joy.

"Thank God you two are alive!!!" She sighed in relief, squishing my ribs and leaving me breathless for a brief second. "What the heck where you two thinking!? I was just fine at home, having a relaxing bath after a long day, and I suddenly get a call from Kouyou-san practically yelling that you are being treated in the med wing and that you two were badly injured!!" Unconsciously, she pulls away from us, letting me gasp for air. Still, I wish her warmth could have stayed with me a bit longer in such cold night.

"Calm down, Kera-chan. It's just a broken leg and a few scratches." I reassured her, rolling my visible eye, causing her to become even more irritated. "Stop making a fuss over it."

"You are unbelievable..." she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Just why didn't you call me if the mission was difficult? I am the reinforcements, remember?"

"It was your first day off after three months. What did you expect us to do? Ruin it because we were outnumbered?" Chuuya told her, scratching the back of his head. "Besides, you still haven't fully recovered from your last mission..." At that time, I didn't know the reason, but I had the urge to agree with the ginger at least for once. To make her feel safe, to protect her, to prevent her from getting into trouble.

Only now have I realized the feeling from those days was love.

I loved her voice, her smile, her eyes... To the point I sometimes wondered what life would be like if we had never been Mafia. If we had been regular people, with regular lives, regular jobs. Still, daydreaming was pointless.

We had a life all written in the shadows. And she was the only light I could hold on to.

"You should stop thinking you are alone. We are partners, and a day off doesn't change that. If you need help, just ask for it." With that, she gently placed one of her thin palms on my shoulder, and the other on Chuuya's. Her motherly smile lit up a small fire in my chest, and for the first time in my entire existence, I felt fine. I felt glad to be part of the Port Mafia. Because, if I had never joined the organization, if I hadn't been shot that day, she wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't have met her, and my loneliness would have devoured me by now. "Bonds are hard to understand, especially when it involves human feelings, but you have to understand I care about you for who you are, and not for what I can get from you. If you were to die..." Her beaming smile grew darker, and her eyes turned glassy for a second. "I-I wouldn't bear the pain of knowing I won't see you again, that I couldn't do anything to-"

"Kera-chan, stop worrying so much, please." I told her, using a pleading tone I only used with her, and that action, despite trying to deny it, made me somewhat ache. "We won't die on a mission. We aren't going anywhere anytime soon. Today... Well, we were caught with our guard down, but it won't happen again." I reassured her, making a promise I would eventually break. The same way I broke her. "I swear it, Kera. I swear that I won't ever give you a reason to cry."