What I never told you (ReaderxDazai)

SAN JUU ROKU

I never planned to be broken

But now I cannot be fixed

So I sit here sad and choking in fear

Wondering when I'll be ditched

Dazai's POV

"Just what the hell, Dazai!? How could you fuck up this bad!!?" Chuuya grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, lifting one of his arms and preparing himself to launch a punch at me.

I couldn't blame him at all.

After he arrived in the church, he was the one who finished the job for us and took Kera back. Apparently, the lower-rank had betrayed us, but Chuuya had already got rid of him when he spotted us. In fact, leaving aside the part where the whole Angel Dust ware had disappeared from our radar, he had done the rest of the operation.

"Chuuya, I-" Before I could say anything else, his fist connected with my nose, causing me to step back and hit the wall behind me. Covering the fresh injury with my hand, I noticed the warm crimson blood trickling down my face, the iron taste getting stuck in my mouth.

"I don't want any of your fucking excuses!!!" Seething with rage, he ran towards me, prepared to break each one of my bones. "You are her superior!!! How the hell did you even allow her to go!? You knew this operation was way riskier than the rest!!"

As I dodged his punch, I grabbed his arm, approaching his chest to me and slamming my fist against his gut. He grimaced in pain and fell slump on me for a couple of seconds, which was unlike him, but he rapidly regained his composure, kicking me aside with ease.

I wanted to yell at him.

I truly did.

My past self, the one that existed before Kera stormed into my life like a hurricane, would have surely shouted at the blue-eyed without hesitation and put the blame on him for not having accompanied me during the mission.

But I simply couldn't.

He was the least guilty of all. Especially when he had been beaten up like a rag doll by Mori-san. Indeed, when he said Chuuya was 'sick', it was his way of saying the ginger had disappointed him deeply and he needed punishment.

The bruises on his arms and face were enough proof for me to know the truth Mori-san wanted to hide. How come I hadn't realized it sooner? I thought to myself, looking at the other side of Double Black, who was seething with rage, as the battle continued outside Headquarters for several minutes.

At some point, several members of the organization surrounded us, enjoying the fight that I was losing, yet not daring to interfere since we were higher-ranks compared to them. Honestly, I felt like I had earned all that pain, especially when it was nothing compared to how much harm I had caused to Kera and Chuuya. From the bottom of my heart, I thought I was the culprit of everything bad that happened to those I grew attached to, and, despite sparing with Chuuya, I was reluctant to block some of his blows. I deserved them. And both him and I knew that too well.

"Come on!!! Say something!!!" Chuuya demanded, pinning me to the ground and sitting on top of my stomach, ready to strike once more. This time, I didn't even have the energy to block anything. I felt too tired of everything to do so. Our eyes met and, the moment I saw tiny tears in the corners of his eyes, I understood he didn't know what to do. That, deep inside, he didn't want to argue with me like this. "Mackerel!!" The insult gave the impression he was begging me to say something that would sooth him. But those words... I didn't know them. And so, I received one of his blows. The first of a row I could not count.