AGS 3: The Stag Party (PUBLISHED)

33. Until Then

When I was young, I really believed that love was a magical feeling that anyone could feel. I dreamed of a perfect family with the one I really love the most.

Even if my parents separated, I never felt incomplete. They never let me feel that I wasn't enough for them to stay with each other. My mom and dad were there for me. There was Tita Hellen, and Tita Shannon as my second mom. Manang was there as well, as was Gina, who treated me as her younger sister—which was a bit odd since she's my mom's partner.

As time went by, I started to think about how love and family function together. That, if there was love in the picture, why did my parents separate? What broke our family when everything was okay? If breaking up was consensual, what were the deciding factors they came up with for them to separate ways?

My mom still loves my dad. And my dad loved her too, up until now. Hinahanapan ko ng tamang sagot ang tanong na kung mahal pala nila ang isa't isa, bakit sila naghiwalay?

My young heart couldn't grasp the idea of loving each other, but you decided to love each other from afar.

But later on, I came to the point where I felt like it was the best thing to do. Na hindi pala puwedeng mag-rely ang relationship sa feelings alone. And marriage is not something that you can taste for a moment and discard if you don't like it anymore.

Love isn't enough. Because loving each other and growing together are two different stories. We can love anyone, but that doesn't mean we can grow with them.

And maybe Mom and Dad loved each other, but they never grew together. That was why they decided to grow apart—even if that meant leaving a kid in the process. Although none of them left me, I already understood why they had to part ways.

Buwan din ang inabot bago ako maka-recover. Therapies, medicines, emotional and physical support, halos lahat ibinigay sa akin.

I would never discredit Leo for the effort he put into taking care of me while I was in my darkest moments. Sabi nga ni Manang, tanga na lang ang magpapakawala kay Leo.

But it wasn't about stupidity anymore. Ayokong maging selfish dahil lang bine-baby ako ni Leo. He was doing everything for me, even if that meant he had to sacrifice a huge part of himself just to pamper me.

Hindi madaling magkaroon ng anak. Lahat ng pinangarap ko noong teenage days ko, lahat nasira ng realidad na madaling mangarap ng anak at pamilya pero hindi madaling pangatawanan kapag nandiyan na.

Although it's a blessing, but no matter how prepared you are, hindi mo na rin masasabi kapag nandiyan na kasi iba pa rin ang firsthand experience.

Buwan ang inabot bago ko na-forgive ang sarili ko; bago ko matanggap na kailangan naming panindigan si Eugene kasi buhay na siya.

Siguro, sa ibang expected mommies, happy sila at excited. But my baby was unexpected, at sa sobrang alanganin ng timing, hindi siya kinaya ng mental health ko.

Hindi lahat ng inaasahang maging mommy, masaya after giving birth. Postpartum depression is not a joke, and I was lucky enough to have someone to rely on. Because honestly, if no one was there for me, I could have killed an innocent child.

But that dark phase was already over. I always said sorry to Eugene for thinking of getting rid of him. Naiisip kong baliw na siguro ako para maisip iyon.

I accepted my fate. Now, I have to tell Leo my decision for the both of us.

Leo took us on a vacation. Ilang months din niya akong dinadala sa magagandang lugar para hindi ako nakukulong sa bahay. Kasi sabi nga ng doktor, hindi helpful for me na nakukulong sa iisang lugar na nakasanayan ko na.