This hurt I've been trained to love
The years of pain that I've been taught means they care
When a kind hand reached out, and showed me a different way.
Love is not abuse. Love is not screaming, hitting, ignoring.
Love is a gentle touch. Love is a listening ear, a hug, a smile.
I was told I don't deserve kindness. That I'm worthless. That my feelings don't matter.
Oh, how many years I've spent pleasing others, only for them to use me and leave.
How many times I've cut my body, thinking I deserved punishment. How many tears I've shed. The thousands of poisons I've consumed. The self starvation, burns, hits, purges.
Repeating thousands of times.
All for what? Why do I keep doing this? To please them? What have they ever done for me? They never even asked once how I was doing.
I'm done doing things for them.
I deserve some kindness, despite all the years they've told me otherwise.
I've done so much for others. Broken myself, over and over.
It's my turn to feel okay.
It's my turn to say No.
Today I'm going to let myself have a meal. Today I'm going to let myself sleep. Today I'm going to have a shower.
I'm going to allow myself to talk to others. I'm going to let myself smile.
Because I don't know when my life will end, and I deserve some peace.
