Close to not enough - Jensen Ackles Fanfic

27º Chapter

#Claire POV#

"I'm sorry..." — The small amount of alcohol that was still present in my blood was slowly being replaced by the feeling of guilt, making my stomach turn upside down and not in a good way.

Being this close to Jensen was obviously the most happy I have ever been in the last couple of months. Feeling his hot breath touching my forehead so lightly along with the small kisses that he was leaving there was making it a little less hard to be here with him. Not thinking about all the world that is waiting for us outside.

"For what?" — I finally heard his voice, lower and rougher than his usual voice, but so much more beautiful and calmer than it used to be. I could feel his eyes burning the top of my head with the intense staring that he is probably giving me. So against all the cells in my body I decided to look back at him, not really afraid of what might happen from now on.

"You just cheated on your fiancée, because of me..." — My voice came out a lot like a whisper, even when I'm fighting so hard not to show him how much what just happened has really meant to me.

"Don't... just don't." — His body moved, so I could lay down on his side and he could properly look at him. With just that small amount of space between us made my whole body turn cold and my eyes left his almost immediately but not for too long. His gentle fingers under my chin made me look at him once again. — "I should be the one that should be sorry, Sweetheart, and I'm not." — He said, the small curve of his lips was enough to make me believe in every word he was saying, even if he was lying straight to my face.

"You're not?" — My trembling hands were playing with the sheet that was covering the lower part of my body, so I just didn't have the urge to touch him again, and we ended up more screwed than we already are.

"Not even a little." — The way that his words got out of his lips was enough to make a small smile start to appear on my face. My brain was trying everything in its power to make me keep my feet on the ground and stop imagining things that aren't exactly like I am picturing them.

"If you're not happy with her, why are you still together?" — The curiosity came out of my mouth before my brain could really register what I was actually asking. It's not because we just had sex that I have the right to start asking questions about his personal life and especially his love life.

" When I met her, I really thought that she was going to help me get you out of my mind, and it did... for a while, and then I asked her to marry me." — The way that he was talking was making me all kinds of jealous. In a way he was with her to try to forget me which 'ouch' kind of hurts but in another way he was happy with her, or he was for a while and that makes me a lot more jealous.

"What changed?" — I asked, once again, not really having the time to stop my mouth before I could ask the question. Instead of not answering or just ignoring me, Jensen looked at me with that bright, beautiful smile that I love so much in him and haven't seen for quite some time.

"Jared and Gen's wedding happened, when I saw you, Claire..." — The pause he made in between sentences, the way his eyes closed and the smile that was present on his face was enough to make my stomach fill with butterflies, and this time it was in a good way. — "You were the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Claire, you were breathtaking, and I thanked all the gods when Jared said that we would have to dance together. I knew that Danneel wouldn't really like that because she knows about us and our past, but I couldn't care less because those 5 minutes would be the only time that I would have to be close to you. I needed to be close to you, Claire, so much." — I couldn't really stop the smile on my face at this point, because even if I'm being selfish while listening to all the beautiful things he is saying about me. I can't get rid of all the pain I might and will be causing to another person.

"Oh really?" — My chin was resting gently on his chest while his fingers were combing my hair, just like he used to do in those late summer nights where we used to spend on Gen's yard. Watching the stars and talking about what we should do the next time we were together, only if we knew back then.

"Yeah... And then, you came back to Vancouver, once and for all and Claire... you have no fucking idea how much I regret my decision of asking her to marry me that day." — He was looking at me with a sad smile on his lips, and I couldn't help but to feel exactly the same thing as he. If I had tried to move on, and then he decided to show up in my life again he would turn my world upside down, of that I'm sure.

"Why don't you call the wedding off?" — It's not really a question I'm making here, not really to be honest. I know perfectly well that in the world of famous people things don't work out the same as in the real world, the normal people world. Not that they are not normal because they are, their lives aren't.

"It's actually a lot complicated..." — I don't know if it was the way he said it or the way that his eyes avoided mine at all cost, but something deep inside of me tells me that he isn't saying something. But who am I to pressure him to tell me something? I'm no one, really.

"So... this is it, then?" — I finally got the courage to ask, not that I'm expecting him to just want to be with me for the rest of his life and just dump his fiancée. He just told me straight to my face that that's not an option, so I don't know why I'm really afraid to ask him this, I think I'm afraid of what the answer might be.

"I don't want that, and you know it..." — His eyes were once again avoiding looking at me, maybe he is just as afraid as I am. My trembling hands reached for his face, grabbing each side of his unshaven face, making him look at me, and I finally realized why I've been trembling so much these past couple of minutes. I'm holding my entire world in my hands, and I'm too damn clumsy to not break it in half.

"What do you want?" — I don't know why I asked it or the way that I asked. For the first time, I needed to hear his words before I spoke mine because I'm too damn tired of falling in love with him harder and harder each passing day and at the end. He ended up breaking my heart harder and harder every day.