Close to not enough - Jensen Ackles Fanfic

45º Chapter

Time is flying way too fast. Gen is already forming a little bump in the end of her stomach, and maybe because I've been living with her for the past two months, I've been putting some weight myself.

Probably because I stayed with her almost every night watching something on the TV while eating whatever craving she has that day.

Whenever I'm not hanging around with her, helping her with the house or taking care of her small garden, I usually stay in my bedroom and watch some new episode of Supernatural on my iPad. I know it is self depressing, but I can't really do nothing to stop it. It's like I want to punish myself for the pain that I'm going through, or maybe it is my way to see him again, even if it is on a small screen.

The knocks on my door made me take my eyes away from the show, and before I could even say anything, Gen was rushing inside and claiming a place next to me on the bed.

I paused the episode while I turned myself in her direction, so I could properly look at her.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your depression time, but I need to ask you a favor." — I know what she thinks about my person at the moment. She is always trying to make small talk with me like she is dealing with a broken person at the moment, and that really annoys the shit out of me. I can't be mad at her for seeing the truth, even if I will never admit it.

"What do you need?" — I was already getting out of the bed, so I could take a quick shower before going to do whatever she needs me to. I wanted to argue with her about me being depressed, but honestly, I'm too tired for that and maybe too depressed.

"Well, I just talked to my doctor on the phone, and she said that I might have a little blood loss along my pregnancy, that it was a normal thing to happen. So I wanted to ask you if you can go to the store and buy me some stuff?" — I don't know what it was, but something inside of me clicked at that exact moment, but I can't show Gen how triggered I was by her question.

"Yeah... Yeah, sure! Uh, what do you need?" — I left the door to the bathroom slightly open, so I could still hear her, at the same time that I took a quick shower and try not to really think about this anymore.

"Not tampons, I just need a couple of pads you know or maybe diapers..." — I could hear her walking around my room, probably cleaning it up a little, since I've been a little clumsy with getting my stuff organized.

"Kay... Give me 5 minutes!" — As soon as I felt the warm water hitting my face, I had to put both of my hands on the tiled wall in front of me, so I wouldn't fall.

The only thing on my brain was numbers, math was never really my top subject, but this time I couldn't help myself from doing some. The signs were all there, but i never really paid attention to them because I was too fucking busy in crying myself to sleep or eating chocolate ice cream until I passed out.

I thought that I was gaining some weight because I was eating too much and didn't do anything productive. I thought that I wanted to be laying down all the time because I was too depressed to do anything else, but maybe it wasn't just that...

I don't really remember how I got out of the shower or how I got into the little convenience store down the street.

I can only remember the now, sitting on the floor of the bathroom that the store has, with a small blue stick laying on one side of the sink.

I know that it has passed way more than the three minutes I'm supposed to wait, but I know that my knees will betray me as soon as I try to get up.

I don't know how am I going to tell Gen if the plus sign appears on the small screen or how am I going to live after this, but there is a small thing that I'm sure of... If I'm indeed pregnant, I could never, and I mean never, tell anyone who the father is.

I tried to reach for the stick with the tip of my fingers without having to take my butt out of the floor, and with a small effort I was able to hold it in my hand.

Gen always said that taking three deep breaths might be the solution for a lot of things, so I decided to take her advice and take six deep breaths, just in case.

I don't know if the noises that were coming out of my mouth were some weird sobs or if I was actually chuckling while looking at the small screen that was resting on my trembling hands.

Maybe I'm getting crazy, or maybe I'm just living some shitty vivid dream, yeah... maybe that's what's happening.

Or maybe I just don't really know how to react to the plus sign that is appearing on the small screen because I don't know what the fuck am I doing from now on.

I can't just walk into the house and say 'Hey Gen, I went to the store and got you some pads and oh, I got some for me too because surprise, I'm mother fucking pregnant too'. Yeah... I can't say that, but I can't just keep depressing myself or crying over something that is over when I have a new beginning growing inside of me.

Perhaps that's selfish, I want to have a child that is going to grow up without a father, but I'm not seeing any other option. There is no way in the world that I'm going to waste the small chance that I have of becoming a mother.

I have at least six months to try to get back on my feet, I need to do that if I want to give my baby the life she or he deserves, and I will... I just need everyone to buy the lie I'm going to tell them, and pray that they do not ask many questions about how I ended up in the situation of becoming a single mother.

How can someone get over a heartbreak? According to Jared, only time can heal a broken heart, but in my experience? Give them something they will love much more for the rest of their lives, something that gives them hope that one day, the world will be a better place for them to live.

Something just like this...