clementine // joshler

6

tyler's point of view

sydney, emily, and i all take our seats at our usual lunch table after making it out of the lunch line.

"do you ever feel stupid going through the cafeteria line? i feel like we're cattle being herded." sydney opens her backpack to pull out her bottle of water, "i'd feel even more stupid drinking milk out of cardboard."

"yeah, school lunch isn't the best. i don't feel stupid though. i mean, it's not like we're the only ones with trays here," i reply.

"i guess it just makes me feel childish. i'm eighteen. why am i still eating the same serving size of these bland as fuck mashed potatoes that i did when i was ten?"

"you could bring your own food." emily shrugs, taking her lunch box out of her backpack. she never eats school food but she always walks through the line with us anyway.

"and carry a lunchbox? no."

"those are your only options, syd." emily laughs a little and sydney flips her off with a smile.

"anyways..." she looks around and her eyes land on someone behind her before she turns back. "it seems hot teacher has lunch duty today. i thought i saw him when we were walking in but that's definitely him."

i look behind her and see mr. dun standing against the wall. we make eye contact and it feels... strange. to say magnetic would be too cliche, but i can't bring myself to break the moment. he looks away first after a few short seconds, an odd expression on his face as he does so.

"tyler?" sydney is giving me a knowing look when i turn back to face her. "it's not nice to stare." she giggles and reaches out to steal a grape from my tray. "i get it though."

"it's only not nice to stare if they aren't staring back. making eye contact is different," i try to defend myself but i can already feel the blush beginning to rise to my cheeks.

"nah, i don't blame you. he's hot. and it makes me happy to see you looking at someone that way in the first place."

"don't look now, but he's definitely looking at you again, ty," emily says, her voice quiet.

it takes everything in me not to look.

"see, it's not in my head! he was looking at me too!"

"you wish it was head."

"sydney." emily shakes her head but she's smiling just as wide.

"i hate you guys." my cheeks are fully red now and i take a sip of my milk to try and combat the heat in my face. "but you're right. the milk is weird."

"no, you're not changing the subject! this is exciting! tyler has a crush on a teacher," sydney lowers her voice this time, which i'm grateful for.

"so? it's not like that means anything. nothing could ever happen between us."

"why? do you think he's straight?"

"there's no way," emily says, "he was having dinner with a supposedly lesbian friend, he has a colorful tattoo, and he's an english teacher. what about that says straight to you? he was wearing converse too. that's like one of the trademarked bisexual shoes."

"you're right." syd nods, taking this much too seriously.

"i meant because he's a teacher. it's a stupid crush anyway. i hardly know him."

"suuure. whatever you say."

we finish up lunch with sydney filling us in on other gossip she's heard throughout the day, including a rumor about some girl her brother goes to college with that hooked up with her professor for a good grade.

emily and i walk to mr. dun's class when the lunch period is over. we're the first ones there and we take our seats in the back as quickly as possible.

we make conversion through whispers until the bell rings and the door is closed.

during journal time, i let my mind wander as i put my pen to paper. i treat it as a diary of sorts, trusting that he meant it when he said he wouldn't read the entries unless we asked.

i feel silly writing about making eye contact with someone, but i can't shake the feeling i got from the moment. i don't know if calling it a 'moment' is necessary at all in the first place. but i know it felt different.

i don't want to think that i'm overreacting, but i know that it's most likely the case.

i don't even know if he's gay! but surely he's at least bi?

all of this is ridiculous. i don't know why it's getting to me so much. there's no chance of anything happening anyway!

my thoughts continue down this line of thinking and i write until time is up, closing my journal immediately and shoving it in my backpack as quickly as possible. i somehow manage to embarrass myself even on papers that no one else will ever see.

i try to shove all of my thoughts away in their boxes and listen to him lecture, though i'm not sure i retain very much of it, too distracted by the way his voice is perfect for narrating a story set in the forest on a rainy day.

-

"i just don't think it's that big of a deal. you're putting too much pressure on yourself."

"i know, jen, i just... it feels like a big deal and i don't know why." i sigh and finish sweeping behind the counter, leaving the broom back in its place.

"you're just not used to having this kind of feeling. i think it's sweet." she offers me a small smile and wraps an arm around my shoulder as we walk back to our lockers. "you gotta let yourself have feelings, especially the good ones."

"yeah. i guess you're right."

if only it were that easy.

(an: hi sorry this is SO late and ended in such a weird place !! i got so caught up in stuff today. my apologies, my dear friends! i hope you're all well!)