clementine // joshler

17

tyler's point of view

i decide to take mr. dun's advice the next time i see theo. i texted him last night to tell him that i wanted to talk. he invited me for coffee, so here we are.

i sit across from him in a little cafe downtown, staring down at my drink on the table.

"so, what did you want to talk about? that's not ever really a good text to receive, you know."

i nod. "yeah... sorry."

"don't apologize yet. what's going on?"

"well, i just... i don't know." i pause and shake my head, trying to keep in mind the advice i was given before i speak again. "no, i do know. i think that's what i'm trying to say, actually."

"what..?" he asks, confusion clear on his face.

"theo, i know what i want for my future, what i want my life to look like. i don't want to waste my time or yours. i know we don't know each other super well, but if you can't say you honestly think we might be able to have a future together, i don't think we should see each other anymore.

"i know that's kind of a big bomb to drop and i understand if you're not comfortable with that or if this makes things awkward. i just wanted to be honest. it'll hurt less this way."

he takes it in, nodding slowly before he speaks. "right. okay, um, i..." he pauses, gathering his thoughts, then continues, "i understand all of that, i get it. i wish i had a better answer for you, but i-i don't know what i want. i haven't even decided what school i want to go to, what i want to major in. i don't know what my future looks like yet, so i can't promise a place in it for anyone. i'm sorry."

he handled it much better than i thought he would, which i'm grateful for.

"and that's totally reasonable. no hard feelings." i offer a small smile and take a sip of my coffee to prevent myself from rambling more than necessary.

"no hard feelings," he agrees and smiles back at me and does the same.

"cool. i, uh... i'm gonna go. i'll see you around, yeah?"

"see you around, tyler."

-

back at home later that evening, i try to bury myself in my homework.

my mind wanders, but not back to theo. i try to imagine the kind of person i'll end up with, the one piece of my future i can't envision. there's an empty space next to me in the wedding photos hanging in my future bedroom and a red toothbrush next to my blue one.

i try to picture someone, anyone who could fill that slot. the only one that shows is mr. dun. i feel myself blush, embarrassed even though i'm alone in my apartment.

i try to remember to let myself relish in it, to let myself feel everything i'm feeling without guilt. all that stuff jenna's always talking about. there's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone. he's barely older than me and it's not like anything will come of it.

i try to push down the nagging voice in my head that reminds me that i repeat that same statement to myself several times a day, every day. that doesn't matter right now.

i let myself live in the fantasy, thinking about his curly hair and the way he speaks so earnestly about everything he teaches, the way i can imagine how it would feel to undo each button of his shirt...

nope, too far.

i shake my head, my cheeks burning and the tip of my pencil broken from how hard i've been pressing it onto my notebook paper.

i decide to give up on my homework for now and opt to clean up my apartment and then shower before turning in early.

-

i wake up for work the next day and pull myself unwillingly out of bed to get ready.

i'm the first one to the restaurant, which is normal when i'm scheduled to be the opening manager. i unlock the doors and turn the lights and radio on before clocking in. the few other employees scheduled to open with me, including jenna, show up not long after, all within a few minutes of each other.

we're fairly slow most mornings, but the after-church rush that usually occurs on sundays never fails to show.

it doesn't slow down again until past three. the dinner rush will start up again around six, and i'll be here for that too since i'm working a double today.

jenna comes up to me and pats my back, interrupting my thoughts. "hey, boss. is it alright if i take my break?"

"sounds good, jen. thanks for letting me know."

she drops her hand but doesn't walk away just yet.

"are you alright, tyler?"

"yeah, i'm fine. just thinking. got a lot on my mind." i shrug. "i've felt kinda off all day. not all here, i guess."

"sounds about right. you're always up in that head of yours." she reaches up to ruffle my hair. "let me make myself some lunch and you can tell me all about whatever it is. i bet i have a good guess though."

so i tell jenna about going to theo's house and how that made me feel, about the talks i had with both mr. dun and theo himself. she nods along, eating the food she made in the kitchen.

"oh, ty. i'm sorry." she shakes her head. "i wish you could just be a kid. i'm sorry you never got that chance. you're the youngest thirty-year-old i've met, you know that?"

"i know." i give her a small smile. "you've told me."

(an: this chapter is shorter and not very good and ends in a weird spot [which is classic margo]. i've been kind of spacey and having some writers block so that's my explanation but im publishing it anyway because i really wanted it to be out tonight ! soz lol)