clementine // joshler

33

josh's point of view

god, i want to kiss him.

what am i doing?!

i can't do this. why do i keep putting myself in these situations? i know it makes things harder for me. i just... can't stop.

it seemed like he wanted me to go through with it though.

my brain sticks on that thought as we clean up and put the cupcakes into the oven. the way he looked at me seemed to tell me he really did want me to, that he was waiting for me to make the move.

what am i doing?

i could lose my job for christ's sake.

i choose to try and continue to ignore the strange, new rhythm of my heartbeat when we decide to watch tv while we wait for the cupcakes to finish baking.

frankenstein is playing on the channel my tv is usually left on, and i don't bother changing it.

"you know, every english teacher i've ever met always makes a pretentious comment about how-"

"his name isn't frankenstein, he's just frankenstein's monster?" he finishes the sentence for me.

i feel the corners of my lips turn up. "exactly. i just never thought the book or the movie were that good. i think it's a bit overrated," i say.

"it's not my favorite by any means, but i like it. i mean, he just wants to be loved, and to figure out his life, who he is. he can't help how he was created. maybe i'm just biased because i didn't have good parents either," he confesses, his tone a bit sadder toward the end of the sentence.

i can tell that he almost immediately regrets what he just said, that he wishes he wouldn't have added that last part. there's a distance on his face now that i hate.

"tyler..."

"i'm sorry, i just get like this around most holidays. something small like some dumb movie will just remind me that i don't have them anymore, and that, even if i did, it wouldn't be what i would want it to be anyways."

"i'm so sorry, tyler." i take his hand in mine without fully thinking it through. "no one should have to deal with all that."

"it's okay, really. i-"

"it's not okay though, and it's okay that it isn't. you've had to mature really fast, and i know you work hard. you're so responsible, and kind. you're funny and smart and all those good things, but you're still human."

"no one has ever seen me the way you do." he looks down at our hands, his voice quiet.

"what do you mean?"

"i don't really talk to many people about this stuff because they usually just... feel bad for me. they think that being emancipated is my whole life, that there's nothing else to it. hardly anyone ever tries. i'm really grateful to have you in my life, regardless of the circumstances." he squeezes my hand a little and looks back up at me.

"i'm grateful for you, too, tyler."

it's quiet after that, and we're left just looking at each other, so close. it's an intimate moment, one i wouldn't have expected to happen today of all days.

i sigh and break the eye contact, looking down at our hands as he was earlier.

"tyler, i don't want you to ever feel uncomfortable around me, or like you have to be here with me if you don't want to. i don't want it to feel like i'm pressuring you, or taking advantage of you in any way. i know our..." i hesitate for a moment before finishing the sentence, "friendship is kind of complicated and a bit of a gray area. i know it's a sensitive, delicate line. i trust you enough to assume you haven't told anyone, which i appreciate, though i know that sounds terrible," i push the words out, thankful my voice didn't give out on me from the anxiety it gave me to say them.

"no, no, you've never made me feel that way," he says, giving my hand another soft squeeze, like he's begging me not to take it away. "i really enjoy your company. and of course, i wouldn't want you to get in trouble because of me. i'd never do something like that to you."

"i know. and i'd never want to interfere with your school or your friends or anything either."

"you're not, i promise."

"i-"

the timer for the cupcakes goes off, interrupting me.

"i'm gonna get those." i let go of his hand and stand up, abandoning what i was going to say.

i take the pans out and leave them to cool on top of a towel i had laid out on the counter when we put them in.

i clear my throat. "well, i, um... i think i can frost them myself, and finish up the next batch."

i watch him nod and stand, walking to the door looking disappointed and worried. it roots a deep feeling of something wistful and heavy into my stomach.

i open my door but follow him to his this time. i wait as he opens it, then take his hand again before he can go inside.

"seriously, thank you for your help tonight, tyler," i thank him again, and then bring his hand up to leave the softest kiss on it, my lips barely brushing against the skin.

he looks at me with the familiar expression of a deer in headlights, his eyes wide and his cheeks pink.

i let go of his hand then and add, "i'll see you tomorrow."

"o-okay. bye, josh." he smiles a little at me, but still looks somewhat shocked as he steps inside and closes his door.

i go back to my own apartment, back to the kitchen. i rest my elbows on the counter and hide my face in my hands.

god, he is adorable.

i wish he wasn't.

i take the cupcakes out of the pans, setting them on the tray i'd set aside. i line the pans again and then pour the rest of the batter in them. i'm only making cupcakes for the senior class, to sort of celebrate the fact that they'll be graduating soon, but i bought extra cookies for the rest of my classes to have.

i put the last two pans in the oven and then prepare to frost the first batch, calling hayley on facetime while i do so.

"hey, h. what's up?"

"nothing much, j-dawg. just working on this case study assignment. what about you? what's all over your shirt?"

"oh. i'm making cupcakes for my senior class for halloween. it's flour."

"you mean the class tyler is in?"

"right. about that..."

"oh, no. what happened this time?"

i tell her about what happened, about when i was sick, and about the conversation we had just a few minutes ago.

"ooh, joshy has a crush. this is not a new development, but i'm glad you're no longer in denial."

"denial? i thought we had already established the whole i-like-him-more-than-i-should thing."

"yeah, but after that talk you had, it's real now. doesn't it feel different? since you've kind of addressed it?" she asks, her face too close to the phone. i still see the knowing look she's giving me though.

"i guess. i just... i really don't know what to do. i know i should wait, but it's so hard. he's so... i don't even know." i shake my head, unsure of how to even begin to describe him.

"you know, i havent seen you this happy in so long. you're smiling now, just thinking about him," she points out. i hadn't even noticed.

"what do you think i should do, hay?"

"honestly? i think you should hold off for as long as you can. maybe just till next semester even? secrets are hard, and you're a hopeless romantic, even if you don't want to admit it. you big, gooey marshmallow."

"you're right. i know you're right. i'm sorry for always talking about this, i'm sure it's annoying."

"it's worth it to see you happy, j."

(an: so. how do we feel now?)