clementine // joshler

29

josh's point of view

i pace around my apartment, tugging at my hair and doing my best not to hyperventilate.

i could barely stay focused during work, but now that i'm home with less distractions, i feel like i might implode.

i don't know what hayley was thinking inviting tyler to the concert, but i couldn't even bring myself to be mad at her.

that in itself was something i could probably deal with, but the knowledge that tyler is a virgin who's never even touched himself has sent me spiraling.

i don't understand why i can't stop thinking about him, about every detail i've noticed about him. the way he taps his pencil on his paper to the way his laugh sounds, the way his work uniform looks so cute on him. but i shouldn't be thinking he's cute, i shouldn't be thinking of him at all!

i remember what sydney said toward the end of lunch, how she'd told tyler to try it and 'report back.' does that mean he's on the other side of the wall trying to finger himself for the first time? why do i care? why do i want to know? jesus christ, i'm a mess.

i scramble to find my phone, which had ended up in-between the cushions of my couch.

i dial hayley's number and sit down, my leg bouncing up and down anxiously as i wait for her to pick up.

"helloooo, my bestest friend," she answers.

"hayley, im freaking out."

she sighs. "oh god. why now?"

"you invited my student, who i already have, like, complicated... feelings about, to a concert with us," i remind her, one of my hands coming up to pinch the bridge of my nose.

"josh, it's okay to have friends. and you could always say you met there by coincidence."

"right, sure, whatever. but something else happened today."

"okay, fine. i'll bite. what is it this time?"

"i had lunch duty, right? so, i was standing there, and i may or may not have been eavesdropping on him and his friends. long story short, they started talking about sex and stuff. so i learned that tyler is a virgin, and apparently has never, like... fingered himself, which i did not need to know. and his friend told him to try it and report back to her and shit. so, now i'm freaking out because, what if he's on the other side of this stupid wall touching himself?!" i get all of my words out quickly and frantically, and i feel out of breath by the time i'm finished.

"j, it's just a crush, okay?" she speaks softly, trying to reassure me and calm me down. "besides, it's not even as weird as you think it is, to me at least. he's a cool dude, you have stuff in common, there's proximity. he is eighteen. he works full time and lives on his own. you're not teaching elementary school. this is a young adult, just like us. he's not a child and you're not, like, some creep or whatever you're thinking. calm down. you're okay."

"i just-"

"i know. you're a good guy, j. it's okay, i promise. just focus on finishing out the week and enjoying yourself this weekend, yeah?"

"thank you, h." i let out a deep breath and try and take her words to heart.

"you're welcome. now, do you know how to do psychological statistics?"

i laugh at the sudden change in topic. "i know very little about stats. tyler's taking it right now though. ask him, since you guys are besties now."

"you know what? i will! later, loser. love you." she makes an exaggerated kiss sound and then hangs up.