clementine // joshler

41

josh's point of view

when i pull away from our second kiss, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. all of the pent up feelings finally had an outlet to pour into and suddenly, everything just makes sense.

i lean my forehead against his and speak quietly, afraid the moment will go away or the feeling of his lips on mine will dissolve if i'm too loud. "i want this, tyler. us."

"i want it too, j, but i don't want you to have to wait for me or-"

"i think you're worth waiting for. or at least, to try, if it's something you want. i mean, it doesn't have to be that much different than what it is now, but i don't want you to be uncomfortable or feel like you're giving up any of your high-school or college experience or whatever," i voice my concerns and mean them. as much as i want this, i'd never want to take something like that away from him.

"josh, i don't care about any of that. you know i'm not like that." he pulls away, his hand still in mine. i don't want him to let go.

"well, i-i know. i just-"

"are you... nervous?" he interrupts, the beginnings of a smile tugging on his lips. "do i make you nervous now?" he giggles and i feel my cheeks burn pink. the reversal in roles is once again something i don't think i was anticipating. 

"maybe a little. can you blame me?" i let out a small, mostly self-deprecating laugh.

"yes, i can, in fact, blame you," he teases. i don't know what made him so much more confident all of a sudden, but i feel very flustered and fumble with my words and thoughts.

"oh, come on. give me a break here." i laugh again and he nods.

"okay, you're right. i'm sorry," he says, smile still resting easily on his face.

"don't apologize. um, i, like... i don't want to rush anything. i don't know what 'this' is for you or what you want it to mean, but for me, like i said, it's just whatever you're comfortable with."

he seems to revert back to his shy self after that, at least a little.

he looks down. "well, to be honest, i'm not sure what comes with this kind of stuff or what it's supposed to be in the first place. i've never really been in a real relationship, you know? i never let myself have the chance."

"alright, so... okay. can we sit down?"

his eyes widen a bit in realization and he nods again. "oh, yeah, of course. um... do you want me to get you a drink or anything?" he offers, walking over to the couch.

i sit down. "no, love, i'm alright. come sit with me."

he does as i ask him and sits beside me, but in a way that he can face me directly.

"if this is something we're going to pursue in any way, we have to talk about expectations. so what do you want, tyler? not what you think it's supposed to be, not what you think i want. what do you want? what are you comfortable with?"

he thinks for a minute and kind of shrugs. "i mean, i'm okay with anything, really. i trust you and i know you wouldn't do anything to make me uncomfortable. i trust that if i told you i didn't like something, you'd change it."

i'm glad to hear that he trusts me, that he feels safe with me. it's important to have that.

"okay. so, is there anything specific that you want to talk about then? or do more of, or less..? i'm just trying to figure out the basics here. i don't mind being patient or doing things slow or whatever you need. please, don't be afraid to tell me what you like or don't."