clementine // joshler

5

josh's point of view

"alright, class. today, i'm going to be giving out our first book! i'm sure youre all just as excited as i am," i tell my students, picking up the stack from my desk and beginning to hand them out.

we're actually starting the real work now and though i made the comment as a joke, i really am excited. everything has been going well and the fact that i'm doing what i've wanted to do for so long is finally beginning to sink in.

my classes aren't very enthusiastic about being given their first reading, and i can't say i blame them. i tried to pick the best books i could find from the catalog, but the list isn't exactly long.

the day goes by a little slower, not that i'm really complaining. i'm eating my lunch during my free period when someone knocks on my door and opens it a bit to half step in.

a teacher i think i've met a few times, mr. reynolds, walks in. i cant remember his first name and immediately panic. i'll just not address him by name. that's fine, right? i bet he doesn't remember mine either. hopefully.

"uh... hey? how can i help you..?"

he clears his throat. "josh, is it?"

"yeah, it is. that's me."

god.

"would you mind covering my lunch duty? i have a meeting with a student and i completely forgot about it."

"oh. okay, yeah. no problem," i nod.

"perfect, thanks. just get to the cafeteria a couple minutes before lunch starts and then you can leave when the bell rings to dismiss." he gives me a tight, awkward smile. "see you around." he leaves after that, closing my door behind him.

i exhale a breath i didn't know i was holding and try to finish up my food a bit faster.

i follow his directions when it's time, arriving in the cafeteria for my first lunch duty. it feels strange. i look around at the empty tables and cringe at the memories of my own lunch time experiences in high school.

hayley and i sat with a couple other kids on the floor in the corner of the room. we'd talk and people watch our time away over the bland school meals. hayley would gossip about everyone she saw and trade me her dinner roll for my macaroni, which i never understood. our schools macaroni could be turned upside down like a damn dairy queen blizzard and not spill out.

i hear the bell ring and students start filtering into the room slowly, then all at once. i watch the lunch line grow and the seats fill, their chatter and laughter loud.

i notice a few of my students in the crowd, proud that i can pick them out and remember most of their names already. a few of them are definitely high again, with lunches consisting of only chips from the vending machine and cold slice of pizza from a ziplock bag pulled from a backpack. a few of them aren't eating at all and some of them opt to eat outside in the courtyard.

as my eyes roam around the room, they end up landing on one student in particular. tyler, from my group of seniors.

he's sitting with another girl from that class, emily, and a second girl i've never seen. they're talking and laughing together, smiles wide. tyler looks up suddenly and sees me, our eyes meeting for a moment. i break the contact, though i find it difficult to do so.

something about him feels... off, but not necessarily in a bad way. i just feel drawn to him. i think back to the question he asked me on the first day. he's just... different. i can't pinpoint why. maybe it's just the question, the heaviness that lurked underneath it, or the way he looked at me when he said it.

i risk a glance back to him and his cheeks are red. he's saying something to the blonde girl i've never met and seems embarrassed at whatever it was. she laughs and emily shakes her head. i wonder what they're talking about.

wait.

why do i care?

i try to look around the cafeteria more, forcing myself not to let my eyes linger in any general direction for too long. this is just like when i was in high school.

the bell rings after what feels like an eternity and i make a beeline back to my classroom, making sure to leave the door open when i get there.

my students begin walking in, tyler and emily being the first (because of course they are). they take their seats in the back of the classroom, whispering about something i find myself trying to hear.

once the classroom is full and the tardy bell rings, i stand from my desk again to shut the door.

"okay then, journaling time as usual." i offer them all a small smile and then sit back down, hoping they don't think i'm acting as weird as i feel i am.

i watch them all dig through their backpacks to find their notebooks and then pick up the novel i'd abandoned on my desk and pretend to read it.

i look over the top of my book after a few seconds and see them all writing, which is nice. my eyes stop on tyler again and he seems to be deep in thought as he journals, eyebrows slightly knitted together and pencil moving quickly across the paper. i'm so curious as to what's in there, what he's writing that this look of introspection is painted so delicately on his face.

i look back down to my book and check my watch. it's only been a couple minutes. i guess some days journal time just passes by much slower than others, which is fitting, considering today has been the slowest day of my life.

the time does eventually go by though and i go straight into my lecture. i go to pass out the first book and when i get to tyler, he mumbles a quiet 'thank you.'

"you're welcome." i smile a little and continue to make my way around the room until each student has a book.

"so, let's get started then, shall we?"

(an: we shall get started indeed, mr. dun. in a few chapters that is... things start kind of slow to build up to the joshler. i hope you stick around for the ride. all my love, as always.

ps: my friends and i sat in the corner of the cafeteria on the floor in highschool and i traded my friend ian my macaroni [which COULD be held upside down without falling out, not even exaggerating] for his roll. i just be inserting myself into my stories for fun.)