The Way I Loved You

Part 12: Lover

When Hiro started officially courting me, it seemed like I can see where it leads.

We'll talk to each other once in a while after class or when we have time off to spend time knowing each other deeper. Pupunta kami ng mall para kumain, mag-ikot, at magkuwentuhan. Nothing fancy but it is so special.

I liked that we're not too busy to talk to each other. I liked that we can really say we've spent the time sharing about the random-est things there is about us. Because these random and simple things are what made who I am and who he is.

He got to know about the deeper root of my mental health struggle. I get to realize I was not alone. And, instead of telling me that there are a lot of people who had it worse... he spoke softly to me. That he understands it was not easy to grew up with too much pressure that it felt like I needed to do be good at something so I can be loved. Plus, that I am the eldest daughter in the family.

My anxiety tells me people are talking behind my back.

My anxiety tells me I was overreacting.

My anxiety made me believe I am not worth it.

However, Hiro said otherwise.

He told me people, in reality, do not talk about a person 24/7. That people have own lives to take care of. That they may not care about the things I thought I've done wrong at all.

He told me many people loves me-- and that many consists of  God, my family, friends, and him. That I won't really need other people because he'd be so full of love that he can share it with me anytime.

He told me my feelings are valid. That if I needed someone to rant on, cry to, or blame my anger on... he will be there.

He told me I am deserving of everything this world could offer... and he would love to walk that journey of conquering the best and the worst of this cruel life with me.

With him, I felt safe, seen, and contented. I even used to call him the greenest of all green flags.

We took things step by step. No rushing. No silent treatments. No toxic external factors to ever possibly break what we built between us.

Paminsan-minsan, hinahatid niya ako pauwi kahit isang sakay lang ng jeep. Tinutulungan niya din ako sa mga activities kung mayroon siyang maliliit na maitutulong. Hinihintay niya ako tuwing umuulan in case wala akong dalang payong.

He would treat me kindly at all times even when I could not entertain him enough dahil pagod ako o inaantok na sa dami ng ginagawa.

One day, as I felt like I have not been reciprocating his efforts well... even if he told me na ayos lang siya dahil siya naman ang nanliligaw, I still felt bad. So gumawa ako ng brownies na binigyan ko rin ang iba kong blockmates pero may nakahiwalay para sa kaniya.

I messaged him na mayroon akong ibibigay pero hindi niya iyon na-seen dahil hindi siya online. Hindi ako sigurado na makikita ko siya sa uwian dahil mas maaga ang labas nila kaya baka umuwi siya agad since kailangan niya din magpahinga sa bahay bago pumasok naman sa trabaho.

The only chance I could take is during the lunch break. Pumunta ako sa assigned room nila dala-dala ang isang tupperwear ng brownies. Sumilip ako sa pinto para hanapin siya. Tatawagin ko na lang sana siya... pero I did not expect what I saw.