Red lights

Blue note

Felix

I stare into the cold floor beneath me, waiting for a thought to come up, i'm holding on to the crumbled blue note that i found in the trash can, blue has always been a symbol of fate for me, whenever i can't seem to find my way, i follow the color blue, and it seems to lead me to where i need to be, but sometimes, fate can be condescending, is this where i need to be or is it where i want to be.
i shakingly hold up the note to my eyes, maybe if i hold it close enough, then it would actually click into my head.
i read it again, this time word by word:
"be mine, Lee Felix, maybe then, i can set you free".
the note falls from my trembling hands yet again, under the sentence was his drawing of me, and i say his because it cant be anyone else, i have memorized how i look like to him, i have memorized how to him, my freckles, each and every one, are stars in his eyes, and he never failed to remind me of that, i stare at what looks like the stars of the milky way beneath my eyes, what do i do now?

3:47am
i lie awake, naked in despair, how did i get here? i think to myself, i've gotten over and threw away by any hope of Hyunjin and i ever getting together, he always seemed to never understand my glances, my body language towards him, or even how although i am fond of everyone in my group, it was never the same fondness with him, at one point it turned into jealousy, i never wanted him to be in the same room with anyone else but me, i'm sure the fans started noticing how cold i became towards him, and so i decided on letting him go, but this note.....i dont know what to think, a huge part of me is sure that this is either a joke or is very old, maybe one of the helpers found it somewhere and threw it away, and maybe Hyunjin wanted to prank me?
all i know is that i cant go through this pain again.
not now.
not ever.

Hyunjin.
4:07am
i haven't been able to sleep lately, i decided to confess about my feelings to Felix, but i realized how stupid it would be, he obviously does not lean that way, i have been watching his every move since we debuted, i knew my feelings weren't platonic, i could never look at the other members the way i look at him, i hold on to the balcony ledge tighter, god, just thinking about him, the way he smells, the way he laughs, i knew i was in trouble the first time he looked my way, no matter what i do i cant suppress the grin on my face, but this cannot happen. no matter how much the thought of us never being together hurts, i cannot risk my career, i cannot risk disappointing my family,
i cant risk losing myself to him.