I'm Gonna Miss You

Chapter 5: Emotional Roller Coaster

The morning after started with a strange feeling deep in my stomach. I found my phone beside me on my bed and checked for the time. It was 10:27. The house was unusually quiet for an early morning. I crept out of bed, still holding onto my phone, and listened for even the slightest noise but I couldn't pick up anything. I shrugged off the bizarre ambiance and walked down the stairs.

"What's wrong, Nelson? Cat got your tongue?" I smiled teasingly, as I walked into the kitchen.

I expected to see my brother standing in the kitchen, burning eggs in a pan, but no such scene awaited me when I walked in. It was just another empty room, like many in this house. I felt my eyes dart in every direction, looking for some hope that I'd have someone to talk to, but failed. My smile slowly removed itself and I felt all alone.

I grabbed a bowl and a spoon for my breakfast. I decided cereal would be best, since I wasn't in the mood to cook anything. As always. I set my bowl down beside my phone and began eating. The eerie silence accompanied by crunch of my breakfast. I had finished my first bowl of cereal and still it felt lonesome. For some reason I expected it to be different after having food in my stomach but that was definitely not the case.

So far I had experience three different feelings of sorrow in the span of 24 hours. The first, was finally accepting that my only brother would have to leave me, and that he'd have to leave now. The second, realizing that I was all alone without him. Third, waking up the next day, living in a place that had once shared laughter and happiness. Where now, it only brought back memories of how it used to be and tormented me on how it will never be again.

I picked up my phone and thought about texting Nelson, but I didn't want to disturb him. Even if I did call him, what was I going to say? 'I'm all alone and I miss you?' What was he going to do then? I'd only be making him feel worse about leaving.

I typed in Kyan's name and decided she was the only person I could talk to at this time in the morning. I wrote down a my message, thumb hovering over the send button. I didn't know if I wanted to disturb her either. What if she was doing something important? But she's my best friend...

'Hey, you up?'

I decided to send the message.

I let out a long frustrated breath and brought my bowl to the sink. I washed out the bowl and left it on the rack to dry. I leaned my palms on the counter top and smiled as I remembered the time that Nelson, Kyan and I stood here laughing and arguing. The three of us had been the musketeers since we were 5 and Nelson was 7.

He wasn't that good at making friends as a kid, so I took the duty of making friends for him. I thought back to when we used to go to the playground and I would hang out with all my friends. Then I'd seem my brother playing on the swing by himself. I'd call out to him and ask him to join us. I wish I could do that now, and that he'd just stay home with me.

I grabbed my phone from the dining table and headed back up the stairs. I stood at my door, remembering the mornings that Nelson would come and yell at me to wake up. I smiled as I held the white door, that we slammed so many times during arguments.

I looked down the hall, which led to Nelson's room, and stepped back from my room. I walked towards his, my hand grazing against the railing to my side. I reached his door, feeling uneasy and slightly scared of what emotions would jump me if I walked in again. My hand gripped the door knob tightly and I willed myself to turn it and open the door.

The warm waft of the room hit me and at the sight before me, I lost all air in my body. For a while, I stood there, breathless. I expected to see my brothers sheets laying across the bed, neatly folded, like he did every day. His childhood toys and action figures all lined up neatly on the shelf above his headboard. The bookshelf filled with countless hardbound copies of his favorite stuff. Any book you could find on Nirvana, Oasis, Queen, he had them. His guitar, which always sat on a proper pedestal beside his bed, gone. Everything that he cherished in this room, gone.