Learning to Let Them In | Fourtris

Chapter 17

Four's POV

As I am driving us both to school, my mind is on overdrive with millions of questions swarming through my head. Or at least, it feels like it. Does she have nightmares often? If she does, then why does she get them? It makes me wonder about what exactly happened in her past. And why doesn't she even want anyone to celebrate her birthday? She doesn't even want someone to tell her "Happy Birthday!" Why? What's so bad about birthdays? What was her nightmare about this morning? And what did Tori mean by, "Another one?"

I force myself to stop thinking every single question in my head and try to focus on one I actually want to ask her

. But I'm afraid she'll just ignore me or yell at me for asking. I remember her waking up screaming a name…what was it again? C'mon Four, think! What was it!? It started with an E…that's all I remember. Erin? Ethan? Edward? No, no, and no. Wait-Eric! That's what it was! I decide to ask Tris about it, even after I've thought about all the consequences. She can tell me if she wants, and if she doesn't want to, then so be it. But I will wait until we're at school before I ask. Within the next 5 minutes, I pull into the school parking lot and park in a parking space that's pretty close to the school. We are still fairly early, so no one has taken the good spots yet.

Before she can get out I gently grab her wrist. She noticeably flinches, but I try to ignore it, not wanting to think about what caused her to react that way. "Hey Tris? Can I ask you something?" She turns her head toward me and nods her head. "Ya," she says. I take a breath then ask, "Who is Eric?" She tenses up right away and pales just a tiny bit. "How do you know about him?" she asks. Should I tell her the truth? Yes…I guess so. I mean, what excuse would I be able to make up for this? "This morning, you were screaming his name. Also saying 'No' and 'Stop it' quite a few times," I tell her.

She relaxes just a tiny bit and blows out a breath before answering. "Don't take this the wrong way Four, but I really don't-no-can't talk about him without my brain bringing back memories of the past. To be honest, I kind of freak out when something reminds me of him. Even just a tiny thing can set it off." I understand completely about her not wanting to talk about him, but I just need to know one thing about him before I stop asking her about him. "I understand completely Tris. But can you just tell me one thing about him?" I ask. She appears to think a minute, then says, "It depends on what the question is. But shoot." "When something reminds you of him, does it bring back good or bad memories of your past?" I ask her again. I know it may sound like a silly question, but I just hope he brings back good memories. Because if she says that he brings back bad memories, I think my mind will explode with the thousands more questions entering.

She bites her lip and looks down at her lap. She is fiddling with her fingers and obviously is trying to figure out how to respond to the question. "If I answer this truthfully, will you promise not to ask me about him more?" she finally responds. It took Tris a while to think of a way to respond to my question, but when she asked me to promise her that, I don't even have to think about it before I find myself blurting out, "I promise." She closes her eyes for a moment before she opens them and turns to look at me in the eye. It's not a fierce gaze, like I'm in trouble, but it's also not a gaze that says she isn't going to answer me. It's more of a distant gaze, where she looks like she is somewhere else in her mind, yet she's still looking straight into my eyes. "He brings back bad memories Four. Bad, bad memories."

Suddenly that lost look in her eyes is gone, and it's like she's back in reality. I then catch her eyes get just a tiny bit glossy with tears. In fact, it's so little that I start to second guess myself. That they weren't really tears. But I know that what I saw were, in fact, tears when I see her break her gaze and push her hands into her eyes again like she did this morning. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring back memories. I'm sorry," I find myself saying before I can think. I see her smile just a little bit and remove her hands. She just sits there for a second. Then she says, "Hey, it's ok. It's not your fault that he was a bad guy. You don't need to apologize." I nod my head before leaning over and giving her a little kiss on top of her now black, gray, and blue hair.