Learning to Let Them In | Fourtris

Chapter 21

Tris' POV

I sit in the bathroom for a few more minutes, too shocked and weak to get up. After a while, I shakily stand myself up, using the counter for support. I flush the toilet and feel like collapsing again.

What did I just do?

Did I just screw up any chances I ever had with Four? Did I just tell him my deepest, darkest, secrets, only to have him leave a moment later? Is he already gone? Or is he still outside this door, waiting for me?

What did I just do?

Did he realize that it is my fault? That I could've saved my family if I wasn't so selfish? That I could've, at the very least, let the paramedics get to my mom to save her? That it's my fault they're dead?

What did I just do?

Did he actually figure out how broken I really am? Has he finally realized that he could do much better than me? Than me, the stupid, selfish, ugly, violent, broken, cowardly girl? Did he leave to go get another girl who would be much hotter and have a better personality than me?

What did I just do?

Did I just tell him I tried to kill myself? Did I tell him I cut? Did I tell him I don't eat? Did I tell him that my family died because of me? Did I tell him I was raped because of a stupid decision I made? Did I tell him I was bullied and beaten every day? Did I really just make this relationship, if there even was one anymore, complicated and horrible to be a part of?

What did I just do?

I can ask myself this question as many times as I want, but I know the answer to all of the recent questions. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. I did tell him my past. I did just add his name to the long list of people's lives I've screwed up. I did tell him I've tried to kill myself and I now cut and don't eat. I did tell him these things.

I know the answers to the question I've been asking myself, but I can't tell what the reaction to the answers will be like. I know I just possibly screwed up one of the best things in my life. I know that this relationship will probably never be the same, even if he does stay.

I stay leaning on the counter for a few more minutes until I feel enough strength to go back out there. It's better to face him sooner rather than later, right?

I slowly open the door. Four is sitting on my bed looking down, but as soon as he hears me take a step, his head snaps up to look at me. He quickly stands up. I feel my breaths become shallower and I desperately try to stay up.

We stare at each other for several minutes before Four finally speaks.

"I still don't think it's your fault."

I let out a short breath and shake my head in disbelief.

"How can you think that?"

"Because it's true. Anybody can see it Tris."

"No it's not true. It's my fault that my family is dead and it's my fault I was raped and it's my fault I was beaten. It was my decision not to eat. It was my decision to cut. And it was my decision to try to...try to kill myself."

I look down at the floor as I say these things. It's silent for a few moments.

After a few moments of silence, he nearly whispers, "When?"

He doesn't need to specify. I know what he's asking about.

"Before I came here."

It's silent again.

"What stopped you?" he whispers.

"Tori. She found me and took the pills away from me. I was in the hospital for days after that."