Learning to Let Them In | Fourtris

Chapter 20

Tris' POV

It's been 30 minutes since I last texted Four and tears are still streaming down my face. It's well past 2 o'clock now. Did he ignore my message? Did I really screw everything up between us?

"You're so stupid Tris!" I yell and start sobbing again.

I wish Mom was here. Or even Dad. They'd know what to do. They'd know how to help. Even with Caleb being overprotective, he'd know this was important to me and would help. I miss them so much.

But it's my fault they're gone. I saw the car. I saw it and I didn't say anything until it was too late. I could've saved them. I could've helped them. I could've, at the very least, had saved Mom.

I should've let the paramedics through to begin with. I should've been the one to call 911. Not some bystander. They would've gotten there earlier. They might've saved them. And even if they didn't, I might have been able to live with myself a little more, knowing I did everything I possibly could.

Instead, I'm living with guilt. I've tried to kill myself because of it. I cut because of it. I didn't talk because of it. I thought, if I talked, I'd end up screwing someone else's life up. I've screwed Tori's up. I know that. Anybody who was watching us would know that.

She quit her job. She moved across states. She was the one to stop me from killing myself. She was the one to spend her days and most of her nights in the hospital with me after it happened. She's the one who encourages me everyday to keep going on. It makes me feel more guilty for cutting. For trying to commit suicide. For not eating. For not thanking her enough. For not loving her as much as I did Mom, Dad, and Caleb. I love her a lot, but she'll never be Mom. And she knows it too.

The guilt makes my feet much more heavy. I can barely stand myself up to walk everyday because of the guilt weighing down on me. It makes me want to collapse and just be done and never get back up I can't. I can't do that to Tori. I can't do that to Four. I can't do that to my friends. I can't do it. Eric would win. Hailey and Taylor would win. Haviland would win.

I'm scared to go back to Haviland. I really am. I know I'll see Hailey and Taylor at the fair. They always went to the fair everyday it was there, mostly just to look at the boys. They became good friends with Eric after what happened. They don't know he raped me. If they did, they never would've treated me like they did.

Yes. I hate them with a passion. They treated me like scum after my family died. But they never made fun of my family. They never joined Eric and physically hurt me. they actually liked my family. No, they aren't the best people in the world, but I do know that if they knew he raped me, they would've made sure he stayed away from me. And they would've backed away from him. They were the best at spreading rumors. They would spread one after another about Eric and they would back off from me. Probably never talk to me again, but wouldn't have hurt me anymore. I know them well enough to know that.

My thoughts are interrupted by a ringing coming from my phone. I try and stop my tears. It doesn't work but I hold my breath, trying to stop the sobbing. I answer it.

"Tris?"

I shakily whisper, "Hey Four."

"Where are you Tris? You said you were coming. Everyone's worried about you."

Is everyone there with him, listening to this call? Oh God. Please say no.

"Are they all with you right now?"

"No. I just got out of art. I realized Tori wasn't there either. Where are you guys?"

"Well...Tori's out exploring Chicago."

There's a moment of silence.

"And what about you?"

"Home," I whisper.