Learning to Let Them In | Fourtris

Chapter 19

Tris' POV

I wake up with a start. Just like I have all night. I've had at least 3 more nightmares in the short time span between 4:15am and-what time is it? I look over to the side. 8:30am. I don't even remember what the last three were about to be honest. There are only two that I truly remember; one of them being where I was foolish enough to think that Four knew an Eric and the other being the one where Mom morphed into Eric and strangled me. The others are kind of a blur, but I know one thing for sure about all of them; they were either about my family dying or about Eric hurting me in some way, shape, or form.

I hear a knock on my door. The door opens and I see Tori walk through it. She stands by the door and stares at me. I stare right back, unspoken words being said with our eyes.

After a couple of minutes of this, Tori walks up to me and sits down on the edge of the bed.

Happy birthday," she whispers.

I feel the tears burning my eyes before they start flowing.

"Oh Bea," she says brokenly.

Her arms wrap around me and I feel a few of her tears drop onto my shoulder. I finally allow myself to start crying. I let out a sob and wrap my arms around Tori as well. We cry for a few minutes before we both seem to get ahold of ourselves. Tori pulls back first and looks like she wants to say something, but doesn't know what.

"Why me, Tori? Why us?"

The question that has been haunting me for years has finally slipped out of my mouth, my voice cracking in the middle of it. Tori just shakes her head.

"I don't know, Bea...I don't know. The universe can be pretty cruel."

You're telling me, Tori. The one who was bullied and beat by her own classmates. The one who was raped by her 'loving' boyfriend. The one who had to watch my mother's eyes get the life sucked out of them. The one whose friends all turned against her. The one who has nightmares almost every night.

Of course, Tori doesn't know hardly any of this. She only knows about the bullying and my friends turning against me part. She doesn't know how bad the nightmares get. She doesn't know what mom's last words were. She doesn't know that part of the reason why it was so hard for me to let anyone in was because I was raped. Sometimes it kills me not to tell her these things. Other times, I'm grateful I haven't. I'm not sure how she would take it.

Instead of saying all these things, I just nod my head and look down.

"I know," I whisper.

We sit in silence for a few minutes when I hear my phone ding. Tori and I both look at it. She raises an eyebrow and nods towards it, silently telling me to look at it. I sigh and pick it up. It's a text message...from Four. I sigh again and unlock my phone to read it.

Why aren't you here today? I thought you said you were coming.

When I look up again, Tori is looking at me.

"Well?" she asks.

I hand her the phone. She reads it and looks up to me.

"Well...what are you going to say?"

"Nothing."

Her eyes show disappointment.

"What do you expect me to say Tori!? That I didn't go to school today because it's my family's 2 year death anniversary!? That I didn't go because I'm a freaking mess?!" I yell with tears in my eyes.

Guilt rushes through me and I calm myself down.

"I mean, look at me Tori. Really look at me. What do you see? I see a broken, screwed up, little girl, who doesn't know what to do with her life anymore," I say, my voice cracking every so often.