Learning to Let Them In | Fourtris

Chapter 7

Tris POV

After meeting Marlene, Shauna, and Four, they all sit there talking. Well…everyone except Four. I found out that he doesn't talk much either. He just sits there, taking everything they are saying, and processing it in his brain. Every once in a while, he smiles or chuckles. But he never fully laughs or gives a huge grin. Just enough so you know that he isn't dead.

I start to wonder why that is…I mean, when Four was talking to me, I am pretty sure that that was the most he has said. It's probably nothing though. It's just me and my crazy, unrealistic thoughts. Me and him…nope. It's never gonna happen. Who would want me!? Nobody. Absolutely, no one. No one has ever wanted me, and they never will. Well except for Eric…never mind.

I force my thoughts to go back to the original question…why doesn't he talk much here? Maybe it's because they are girls? No. I'm a girl and he talked to me a lot. Hmm….

I know Four would probably want nothing to do with me. Wait- what am I thinking! Remember Tris!? Boyfriends are just an excuse for boys to use you and to get what they want. That's all. Yep! Four is no different! He was talking to me more because he was just being polite. "Exactly Tris. He was just trying to be polite. I mean, no one would ever want you anyways! Who wants a broken, ugly girl, who looks like she is 12 instead of 16! Who is selfish, weak, a coward, broken, lonely, friendless, doesn't talk-"says a little voice in my head. I try to cut it off, but the list keeps on going. The reasons echo in my head loudly. "Ugly, a coward, weak, selfish, friendless, lonely, don't look my age, lonely, bad social status, not popular, doesn't talk, looks like she is 12, doesn't eat, -" the voice in my head suddenly stops because of another noise talking its place.

It is replaced by a feminine voice. "Tris? Tris! Earth to Tris! Are you ok!? Tris?!" it says. I try to pull myself out of my thoughts, just enough so I can respond. I finally succeed enough just to nod. I see her worried eyes looking at me still, but eventually, she goes back to talking with the girls. She must know that I'm not going to give her an explanation.

I try to stop it, but the voice in my head keeps going. It keeps the cruel list going…on and on and on. "Ugly. Stupid. Selfish. Dumb. A coward. Weak. 12 year old." It says.

I keep trying to pull out of it, and it takes a while, but I finally succeed. The voice is very distant now. I can faintly hear it, though, and know that there will be some new cuts added to my collection tonight.

I have tried to stop cutting. I really have! But it's just impossible. My family is gone. I have Tori, but it's not the same. I still blame myself for what happened. I should've warned them earlier! Just like Dad said…in my dreams (or nightmares. Whatever you want to call them.) And even if I didn't, I still could've tried! I could've called 911 earlier, instead of having someone else do it for me, who was just a witness! If I were at home right now, there would be at least 3 cuts added already. Unfortunately though, I don't and can't have anything sharp here. I better save these thoughts for home, otherwise I might have a breakdown Right here. Right now.

I decide I better take a look at everybody. I look up and see the girls STILL talking, but Four is looking at me with a worried expression. Why would he be worried about me? "He's just faking it Tris. No one cares about you!" the voice says. It's probably right. Eric acted like the perfect gentleman; he was polite (sometimes), honest (or so I thought he was at the time), respected me (for a little while), and always would say I was beautiful. A lie. Lie after lie after lie. And I didn't know. I was so stupid! How could I have let that happen!

I start to dig my nails into my wrist, hoping that it would draw some blood. But unfortunately, my nails are very short because one of my habits is to bite my nails. Dang. I start to give up when the voice comes back. It says, "That's right, Beatrice. Give up just like the day you gave up on your family! You really are a worthless piece of junk."