Learning to Let Them In | Fourtris

Chapter 15

Tris' POV

(3 weeks later...1 week before the anniversary of her family's death.)

3 weeks have gone by. It's about the same routine every day now. Get up. Eat however much breakfast Tori tells me too. Get a ride to school, either with Four or Tori. Go to my classes. Eat lunch with everyone.

Now there's where the problem is. Not forcing myself to take a bite of my food whenever someone looks at me, but it's just sitting with them period. I hate to admit it…they have really grown on me. Especially Christina. And Four, of course. I should be happy that I've made some friends after what happened with Hailey and Taylor. But I just feel like I don't deserve people as great as them. Plus, I just am scared that one day I might open up to them all and they'll laugh at me or tell my secrets to the whole school. I mean, with Hailey and Taylor it wasn't as bad then because we hadn't really been talking all that much before the accident happened. I mean, don't get me wrong, it still hurt…a LOT…but I think it would hurt worse if that happened now. I really like these guys, but I'm afraid to show it.

I've engaged in their conversations a little…and by engaging I mean a little smile every now and then and nods. I can tell that they have all been friends for quite a while. At least 3 years, give or take a few of them. But I admire them for it. You always hear about how high school rips friends apart and new groups form. That happened for me. It's nice to see a group that can stick by each other through it all. Now…back to the schedule.

Get through afternoon classes. Get a ride home from Tori or Four…once again. Do whatever homework I have and do dishes for Tori from the night before. Go up to my room and maybe talk with Four a little. By notepads and mouthing. Go downstairs for supper with Tori and eat as much as she makes me. Answer any questions she may have about school. Go back upstairs to my room and shower. Cut a few times. Then get dressed into a t-shirt and shorts or a sweatshirt with sweatpants. Wait until Tori goes to sleep then go downstairs through the secret hallway passage.

Now that is the only part of the day when I have no clue what will happen. Four could be there, he could not be there. Most days he is, but I never can predict when he'll be there.

Most days he's there. I'll give him credit. He can make me smile within the first minute or so of seeing him. Even if I had had the worst day known to mankind, coming back home and knowing that I would be able to see him would make the day all worthwhile. I don't like to admit it…but I really like Four. His personality is amazing and the way he can make anyone smile is anything but a sight for sore eyes.

It scares me. Me liking him. It's like my brain does the opposite of anything I tell it to do when I'm around him. Don't smile. Smile. Walk away. Take a few steps forward. Don't go downstairs tonight. Five minutes later I'm downstairs laying on top of a beanbag chair. I know that it shouldn't scare me. But it doesn't stop my insecurities from popping up.

Also, lately I've been tempted to actually use my voice to communicate. Not head nods or shakes. I don't know exactly why I've even thought about talking, but I have a feeling it's because I actually have a reason to now. I stopped talking because my family died and no one liked my anymore. I mean, at one point I thought that there was nothing left for me to live for. And that's where the overdose takes place. But I'd rather not think about that. But now I have friends. I realize that I do have someone that loves me. Tori. The only enemies I have are the 3 kids that were in a group when I punched that guy. Peter. But he's a jerk anyways. So I've really been considering my options. I certainly wouldn't lose anything. I've kind of been forgetting what my voice sounds like. I haven't had a reason to care about it until now.

You're probably wondering where I am now. Ok, so right now I'm home. In my bedroom. Waiting for Tori to fall asleep. Ya, ya. I'm going downstairs here pretty soon. She should be asleep within the next ten minutes. I know it's useless to try to tell myself to stay here tonight, so I just wait like this every night. Staring at the ceiling and thinking.