Learning to Let Them In | Fourtris

Chapter 43

Tris's POV

I wake up covered in blankets. I slowly flick my eyes open and blink several times in an effort to see clearly. I subconsciously reach to the other side of the bed, but find it empty.

"Tobias?" I call out. But I get no reply.

I kick the blankets off and sit up, rubbing my bleary eyes. I'm still exhausted. I check the clock to my right, finding that it's barely seven o'clock. I sigh and decide to try to find Tobias.

"Tobias!" I call out again. I still get no reply. I frown and start to get up.

"I think...I think that we should take a break."

The memory hits me so suddenly and so hard that I collapse onto the floor and my stomach starts to twist and turn quite unpleasantly. I close my eyes.

"Why am I crying if I'm the one who said we should take a break in the first place?"

"Because you don't want it to happen."

"No...I really don't."

"But it needs to."

"Yeah…"

I open my eyes and start to blink the tears away.

"It's not anything you did. A-and it'll only be for a little while. I love you too, and it's just as hard for me to say this as it is for you to listen, but I...I need some time for myself.

I put my fist into my mouth and force myself to stop thinking about this before I start crying again.

Tobias and I are on a break. He's not here. He'll be gone for as long as we see fit. It could be months that he's gone. I need to accept this. Accept and move on.

But how can I accept when I already miss his presence so much it hurts?

I shake my head, clearing it of my thoughts. I need to remember the reason behind our break. That's what I need to recall. I take a few deep breaths.

"I don't want to do this, but I need to. I can't keep acting. All the pretending is destroying me. I love you, and I don't want you to be in the middle of this."

Yes. I need to heal on my own. I don't want someone I love to be forced to carry my burdens. The sooner I begin the healing process, the sooner I can go back to him.

Steeling myself, I stand up. Heal now, Tobias later.

I get dressed into a pair of sweatpants and a random black sweatshirt. It's not until I have it on that I realize that this isn't my sweatshirt...it's Tobias's.

Tears sting my eyes, but I will them away. I close my eyes for a moment. Heal now, Tobias later. Remember, Tris? Remember?

I open my eyes and shakily pick up my hair brush. I slowly comb through my hair, making a slight effort to look the part today. Maybe if I don't look like a mess, it'll be easier for me to remember that healing comes first.

But as his scent makes its way up and into my nose, the tears start falling. I drop the brush with a clatter, and bite my lip.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

I let out a pained groan when I feel a wet droplet fall onto the back of my hand.

To hell with it. If my brain wants to keep reminding me of him, then I won't keep fighting it. It was bound to win eventually anyways.

I carelessly throw my hair into a very messy braid, ruining whatever progress I'd made on making it look decent. I let my posture sag and don't bother to take his sweatshirt off. I pull the fabric up to my chin so the now fading cut-turning-scar on my neck is covered up.