Studio 22 | Mary-Kate Olsen

Chapter Eleven

April 6th 2022 - New York City - Community centre

It's been a month since I started at The Row, and a lot has changed in that month too. It's been fast-paced and I feel like I haven't had a minute to breathe. It was one thing after another. No problems, just daily tasks and big changes. I felt like I was on a carousel ride that was spinning out of control. It was a lot to handle whilst trying to maintain the personal progress I have been making with processing everything that has happened to me. There's just been no time for that though, I haven't been to group in weeks, I haven't seen Jazz all that much because I've been trying to keep my head above water. I didn't think the transition from being frozen in grief to working full-time will be that much of a challenge for me. Especially since I was in the military nonstop working was in my blood but it was difficult. I was physically exhausted and emotionally exhausted at the end of every day. I found myself burrowing under my blankets at the end of each day in an attempt to recharge.

My brother and I had moved out of our parent's house. That was the first significant change in my life. We used to live in a really nice area of NYC, it was safe and full of people we knew and lots of nice houses and parks. Now we live in a two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. It was a significant shift from the large brownstone house we lived in. I felt like I was living in a shoe box. It was a long way from work and the life I have been creating for myself but I was with my brother and that was important. We were back to being us against the world again.

I still wasn't sure what happened with Sage, dad 'fixed' it and it was never brought up again.  Despite this he still wasn't trusted to move out on his own, I could see Sage slipping away living at home with my parents. The rules and expectations were finally getting to him. Our parents weren't bad people, they loved us so much. But it gets to a point when you want to live without rules and regulations and Sage was at that point and as his sister, I didn't want to see him miserable so I said I'd move with him. It was an adjustment and we were still living out of boxes because neither of us had been home enough to unpack. It wasn't the most practical way of living but it'll do for now. Having that little bit of freedom was what Sage needed I think. Yes, he's still disappearing for days at a time but when he is home and I get to see him he seems happier, lighter even like the weight of our parent's expectations had dissolved away with each day we were apart from them.

I would say I missed being at home with my parents in our family home but I haven't had time to miss it yet. I have been working Monday to Friday from morning until the evening at Studio 22 and I love it. It's keeping me occupied and I'm too busy to dwell on anything. Not only do I work in the studio but my weekends are typically spent driving around the state, delivering something to a shoot or picking something up from a warehouse. I spent one of these weekends with Ashley, we drove from the city to the Hamptons for the summer shoot. I got to sit and watch how one of The Row's shoots run and I tried to take in as much as I possibly could after noticing the interns that were assigned this shoot were really involved. I didn't want to mess up if I was given this opportunity one day. The other weekends I was with the other interns which was always fun, the drive we spent chatting and getting to know each other a little more, or singing horribly to the radio. We'd play fashion bingo which is where we each write down five pieces of clothing and when we spot it on someone in another car we tick it off. The first person to get all five specific pieces gets their dinner paid for by the last person to find all their pieces. It's a really intense game. I haven't paid for anyone's lunch yet, equally, I haven't won either.

With my weeks and weekends being eaten away at by The Row I haven't been to group and I was starting to notice the memories infiltrating my dreams were coming back and hitting harder than before. My thoughts would drift to the team and Kacy and I'd get so lost in them that I forget where I was for a second and I have to remind myself that I'm at work or driving. As much as I didn't like group , it was helping a little. Yeah, maybe I didn't talk or share my problems all that much but I listened, I hated the fact that Will was right. All I had to do was listen, that's what he told me on my first day there after I tried to escape. I didn't believe him one bit but it did help, I see that now. I didn't feel so alone sitting there, I felt understood and no my problems weren't as big as the others but I felt seen by them wasn't drowning alone in that room.