Studio 22 | Mary-Kate Olsen

Chapter Sixty-One

MARY-KATE'S POV

October 31st 2023 - New York - Lizzie's House

Watching my girlfriend shapeshift in front of me was a new experience and an experience I didn't like. This past month has been really hard on her, her brother is refusing to talk to her. I get why he wants to focus on his sobriety and he doesn't want to let her down but Blue can't comprehend why he can't do that and see her. It was killing her, not talking to him, not seeing him, not being in a room with him. She needed to see him for herself to know he was okay; it's the type of person she is.

I was away at my parents house a few weeks back and I had called her after an argument with my mum and I told her I was okay but she still drove up after work to come and check on me. She had to see me for herself before she could let her mind rest.

Her Papi hasn't contacted home much and despite him telling her he wasn't on the field she didn't believe him. She knew her Papi well, she knew the second he needed to be on the field he would and he wouldn't stop to question whether he was still physically and mentally up for it.

Her Mami is still in Spain, she said she's used to being away from her parents but I know they have always been around when she has been at her most fragile and right now she was like priceless china and they weren't around. She needed her parents but she couldn't admit it to either of them. Their healing was more important than her own. I tried to be there for her as much as I could but there's nothing like a hug from your parents that makes everything fall back into place.

On top of all the family business she had going on she was also taken on her new role at work. She had been doing amazing, objectively speaking of course. She has been putting her all into it. Probably to distract herself from the war inside her mind. At home she is allowing herself to feel what she is feeling at the moment. She's working with a therapist, she is trying. We had a little talk a few weeks back and she told me she didn't want to turn cold and hurt me. She was trying for me. I have never been enough for someone to be their reason. At first it felt like a lot of pressure to be that important to someone. I felt like I couldn't mess up. But then I sat with my dad, of all people, my dad made me realise that Blue didn't put expectations on me, she loved me because I was me. She loved me regardless of my messes and mistakes. And being someone's reason becomes easier. I just had to love her the way I have been. And she makes that pretty easy to do.

At home I knew what she was telling me was true. I knew if she was okay or not. I didn't have to guess or look into her eyes to see if she was lying to me or not because at home she was safe to express herself freely. And I was so incredibly happy that I was part of the reason she had a safe space there, where she could be vulnerable. I was part of her safe space. But when we were out around others she puts on her mask and I have no clue what is truly happening. She transforms into a completely different person to please others in the room. Her smile is always present, she laughs loudly, she pushes all her true emotions down to ensure no one sees an ounce of her pain.

I hated it.

I hated the fact she felt like she had to put up a front. We were at Lizzie's halloween party, surrounded by unfamiliar people, people she had no obligation to. Yet she still felt like she had to perform for them. Be the happiest in the room. Maybe it was for the sake of my sister? Maybe it was because she didn't know them very well and she felt like she couldn't be vulnerable. Whatever the reason I hated it. I just wanted her to be authentic.

She was currently dancing with Lizzie and a few of Liz's friends. I stood at the side lines with my drink watching her fool the world. No one would know she had an anxiety attack a few hours ago because her Papi missed a phone call with her and her mind spiralled to the deepest darkest scenarios. She looked so carefree as she moved to the beat, eyes closed enjoying the music. I wanted to take her home so she could drop the facade, she must be so exhausted keeping it up for everyone.