Studio 22 | Mary-Kate Olsen

Chapter Sixty-Five

December 14th 2023 - New York City - Studio 22

Sitting in my office chair with my hands laying on the keyboard refusing to move and participate in the work day. It was my first day back since Blue left and we broke up. I thought it would be easier being here and not at home where everything reminded me of her. But it wasn't. It was the same I still felt the hole she used to fill, my chest still ached for her and my thoughts circulated her every single moment. I haven't felt myself, I didn't know how to function without her. Nothing felt right. It all just reminded me of her absence.

I dread the mornings the most, I forget that she's not here for a split second. I roll over and the space next to me is cold and empty. Then it all rushes back and I'm living in my nightmare again. I craved her, she was my new drug and being denied it was driving me crazy. To say I wasn't tempted to try and numb this feeling with my old habits would be lying. The urge was stronger than ever and it was taking every last bit of strength I had not to. I've been attending group everyday, sometimes more than once a day just to keep my mind focused. I couldn't give up. She wasn't the reason for my sobriety so this wasn't an excuse to go back on the promises I have made myself and my family. She believed in me, she always had and I couldn't add Blue to the list of people I've let down.

I stayed at Ashley's for the first two nights. I couldn't bear to be in our home alone. Knowing she wasn't going to come back. But I knew I couldn't hide at my sister's place no matter how much I wanted to, I had to face my new reality eventually and it was better to do it now, before I got comfortable again.

I stayed in the spear room, I couldn't face being in our room without her there to hold me through the night. It was already hard existing there. Everything in our home reminded me of her, of course it would, it was ours. Her things were still around the house, she only took what she needed which wasn't much. Her picture of her and Atlas was missing from our bedside. That was the first thing I noticed that was missing. She took a picture of us from the lounge, the frame remained but it was empty. That's all I've noticed she has taken so far. Her car keys laid in the dish by the door where she left them everyday. Her coat on the hook by the door, her shoes neatly lined up on the rack in the closet. It was like when she left she left her whole life behind, morphing into a new character to fit the current part of her story. I felt abandoned. It seemed easy for her to just leave all this behind.

And then I reread her later and notice the tear stains and remind myself it hurt her just as much to leave me behind and it hurt me to be left. She wasn't heartless. She always felt things so deeply. I read her letter a lot, it's in my bag now. I had read it twice since being in the office. The office wasn't the best place to escape her, considering this was the place we met. The place where we had our first kiss. The place I fell blindly in love with her. Her designs are pinned on the boards in the studio's that I have to look at, her name is on the office door I walked past to get to my office. Her emails sat in my inbox. She was everywhere. Even in my office... The last bunch of flowers she got me before she left were still in the vase, completely wilted. The cleaners tried to take them this afternoon but I shouted at her like a lunatic.

I felt guilty that I overreacted. She was only doing her job but I didn't want to throw them out. The vase had been empty since the day we moved into Studio 22. I had all the intentions of filling them but I never got around to it. Running a business was my priority. And then I didn't want to buy myself flowers for my office. I wanted to buy flowers for someone else and have them buy me flowers so I just let the vase sit empty for years. Then Blue came along, the vase had been filled with flowers weekly. And it was such a simple gesture that meant the world to me. It made me feel full of love. Letting the vase be empty was letting go of that love. I just wasn't ready for that so I'll let the dead flowers sit in the vase until I could cope with losing another part of my perfect life.