Studio 22 | Mary-Kate Olsen

Chapter Thirteen

May 4th 2022 - New York City - Safe Haven Community Centre

This Monday was back to being a typical Monday. A Monday where I'd sit and wait for the drawn-out hours to tick by until it was time for me to close the door to my bedroom and pray that the boys my brother had over would leave so I could sleep soundly. The sprinkle of happiness I found last week had vanished, and the world seemed diluted of colour once again. Not that I expected the sliver of bliss to last.

I folded my legs up on the chair, sitting in a criss-cross position, I held my cup of coffee in one hand and my thumb twisted my ring around the index finger of my other hand as I listened to the conversation. Everyone here seemed to be having a case of the Mondays too. Black coffee was gripped in everyone's hand, even those who don't like coffee, there was a variety of tired and blank faces around the circle. Even Will wasn't willing to dive into the lion's den today and stir up an emotion-provoking conversation between the group so he allowed light conversation about superficial things. The silences weren't filled with his encouraging statements or motivating us to dig deeper and open up more, there were no appalling jokes, the silences today were just silent as the exhaustion hangs above us all.

I was disappointed in myself, last week I was happy, I didn't dread the long days. I brought smiles to people's faces, I saw the light cracking through trying to reach my stretched-out hand. Getting out of bed in the morning wasn't such a chore. This week I was swallowed whole by the darkness, the brightness once again vanishing from the chamber I was held captive in. I sipped my coffee. I hate black coffee but I need the energy. Sage had his friends over last night and there may have been a disagreement between a few of them. I didn't sleep a wink as I jumped at every bang and voice that boomed around the small apartment. I wasn't scared it was just unsettling that there was violence in my house, a place that was meant to be safe and tranquil. I made eye contact with Frankie and he shot me his best teddy bear smile, my lips tugging upwards slightly in an attempt to greet him with just as much warmth as he did. I don't think I quite managed it. But his eyes tell me he appreciates my effort.

The silence eats up the room, no one finding the words to break through. I didn't like silence all that much, her voice echoed around my head calling desperately for me to help her, when it was silent. That's all I could hear. Her desperate plea could conquer any silence. I looked at Will begging him to say something, anything. Ask someone to talk, to spill their soul on the stained carpet for all to see, tell a stupid joke that no one finds funny but we'll all laugh at, anything to stop me from hearing her voice. But my plea didn't reach him, so we stayed in silence for a further 2 minutes and 22 seconds, I was counting. I needed something to distract my mind from the infecting memories. Cindy spoke up. "Well this is depressing isn't it?" I chuckled slightly. "Just a little," I say looking at her with thankful eyes that she silenced the voice in my head. "I think Mondays suck," Lucy said and a chorus of agreement erupted around the room. The group have never been collectively defeated by Monday before, there's always been a few people that would manage to overcome the side effects of Monday mornings and keep the session moving. It was just downright depressing. Not that a group in which you discussed trauma was ever sunshine and rainbows but it was better than whatever was happening today. Anything was better than what was happening today.

I hope the rest of the day picks up, I check my phone quickly to see if I have been scheduled for any meetings. I hadn't... Yet. Today could turn around, maybe I can go into the closet and submerge myself in beautiful clothing. Maybe I'll be able to help select the final pieces for the next collection. Maybe I'll be sent on a long drive where I can scream the lyrics to my favourite songs as I drive down never-ending roads. Maybe I'll be able to avoid Eric all day!

When I looked back up my eyes caught the clock and the session was over, I let out a breath of air relieved I didn't have to sit through another second of this mood suppressor. "Before you all go," Will called to us. I looked at him snapping my neck in his direction with narrowed eyes. "Don't look at me like that," He warned as he chuckled at my expression. "I would like you all to do a spot of homework." "I finished school a million and four years ago, William. I didn't do homework then and I won't be doing it now," Frankie said in a matter-of-fact way causing me to giggle. "I just want you to write about," He paused and looked over at me. "What has changed for you since you have gotten out... Mentally, physically, emotionally maybe even spiritually," He said counting on his fingers. "We'll read them in next week's session, a nice easy self-reflective hour." I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I was just starting to like this group, what a shame I will no longer be attending.